People Reveal What Dish Even An Idiot Can Cook To Look Impressive

Get a slow cooker,

Get some chicken, doesn't really matter which type, probably thighs and drumsticks

Get some onions, carrots or peppers, garlic (be careful on this one, great to add flavour but can linger, buy 1 bulb and use a quarter of it), 2 chicken stock cubes crushed up, and a few random herbs you like the look of (think Nando's). Get a bit of oil, say a small bottle of sunflower or if you are feeling frisky, olive oil.

Boil a couple of pint glasses of water, cut the veg, doesn't have to be too small rub the chicken with the oil and about 2 teaspoons each of each herb and spice you chose (no more than 4 choices, i'd go paprika, rosemary, thyme and mild chilli powder it's for a girl you barely know remember ). Another good idea is to chop a lemon into 4 and lob that in. Smells great when cooking!

Here's the magic bit, once you have done that. Chuck it all in the slow cooker and turn it on. It will have "high" or "low" setting. Cook on "low" for 10 hours if you have time and "high" for 3 hours if you don't. Don't worry about overcooking it, it will be fine.

You will get a magical dish of tender flavoursome chicken out of it, serve it with a carb of your choice (rice, mashed potato, fries depending how poor you are at operating a pan or oven or microwave) at worst, serve it with a bit of bread, that would be novel and would do.

Sounds hard but it's really not. Tl/dr get meat, veg and herbs, lob in slow cooker, hey presto! Most combos work well.

edit: if that is too hard, get the slow cooker, the chicken and a jar of sauce (maybe chicken korma). Chuck it all in the cooker and turn it on. Easy and tasty and looks the business. Serve it with chapatti, naan and/or rice (you can get the rice that microwaves in 2 mins that does the job.

jimmy011087

Buy some shrimp (large, uncooked, peeled and devined). A box of pasta (spaghetti is sloppy on a date - no girl wants to slurp spaghetti in front of you - maybe ziti or penne). Parsley. Garlic. Lemon. Butter. Olive oil. Bottle of white wine. Loaf of french bread. Cook the pasta according to the box.

Turn the oven on 325 - throw the bread in there (wrap it foil if you want).

Frying pan - heat the oil. Saute the garlic (don't burn it). Throw in the shrimp. When the shrimp is pink and almost firm when you touch, pour some wine in (not too much maybe 1/2 cup), then throw some butter in. Salt and pepper. Squeeze some lemon juice in (watch the seeds). Put some pasta on a plate. Spoon some of the sauce over that. Place some shrimp on there (5 big ones is a good serving - odd numbers are more appealing to the eye). Then sprinkle some parsley on top. Slice the bread. Drink the rest of the wine.

yfern0328

I'm going to give away the farm on this one, but here goes. It's not dinner, but dessert and it ALWAYS impresses. The trick is to do this once on your own before you attempt it in front of a woman. Get it right and it's essentially a sure-fire panty dropper. Presentation and doing it in front of her is what makes it, trust.

Also, you do this BEFORE dinner as they need time to cool in the fridge/freezer. It also builds anticipation, which is a total turn on for a woman.

Whenever someone comes for dinner, they usually ask if they can bring anything. Or, you tell them... or, if you're out, slide over to the store and have her pick out her favorite fruit. It should be strawberries, raspberries, blueberries or blackberries ideally.

Chocolate Graham Cracker Cheesecake Cupcakes

Here's what you'll need:
1 Egg
1 block of creme cheese
white sugar
vanilla extract
graham crackers
semi sweet chocolate chips
fruit of your choosing (any type of berry is best)
Irish whisky (or, any whisky for that matter)
muffin tin
cooking spray or butter
blender
oven

Take about 10 graham crackers and break them up loosely. Toss them in the blender with a handful of chocolate chips. Blend this up until it's a coarse sandy consistency. Heat up some butter (about a tbsp melted) to liquify it in the microwave and toss that in to give it some moisture. Keep blending. The mix should be chocolate coloured and not brown from the crackers.

Now, spray the muffin tin with a liberal amount of cooking spray. Take the graham cracker mix and press it to the sides of the muffin cups. Always do the sides first, then the bottom. It should fully cover the sides, but not SUPER thick. This is the crust, remember. Toss this in the oven for about 8-9 mins at 330 degrees.

While these are baking, take the block of creme cheese (8oz) and toss that whole into the blender. Now, put in 3/4 a cup of white sugar and crack one egg in there. Throw about a tbsp of vanilla extract in there too for some flavour. Blend it up. It should be nice and thick and taste like an orgasm.

Pull the muffin tin out of the oven and pour the cheesecake mix into the cups until it's ALMOST at the top. Put that thing back into the oven for 35 mins at the same temp (330 degrees). She's going to be all interested in what's going on. Give her a little spoon of the cheesecake mix. She'll pretty much love it from the get go. Just say "meh, it'll get better". Say no more.

Alright. They're done! Pull it out and put it in the fridge for 2hrs or the freeze for about 30m (fridge is preferred). To get those little bastards out, use a knife and run it across the edges of the cupcakes. They should pop out. If the crust crumbles, pretend it didn't happen and use that on the plate as a bit of a decoration. You should have at least 4 of these things, if not 6. The mix makes 6, but it depends on how much crust you made.

Anyways. Now for the magic. Throw that fresh fruit in a sauce pan. Put in a bit of sugar. Say.. 2-3 tbsp (add more as needed) on medium heat. Continually stir this. The sugar will liquify and the fruit will reduce down. It should be kind of like a more liquid jam type consistency. Be careful not to burn this, but it should be hot. As it's ALMOST done, throw in a shot or so of whisky. This will give it a nice bite. Stir for about 10-15 seconds, then let her smell what's going on in the sauce pan. No tasting, you insist!

Now, drizzle this over the cupcake which should be fairly cold and firm. Eat with a small fork.

The flavours should be pretty complex. You'll have a bit of a bitter bite from the semi-sweet chocolate, which will play with the sweetness of the fruit topping, the vanilla in the cheesecake, the creme cheese for the base, a crumble from the crust, and then the whisky will finish it with a nice bite.

It should be paired with a bold red wine. You'll win every time.

ilovedillpickles

Back when I was just a newly-minted freshman in college, I met a guy who, at 24, was so mature and worldly in my eyes. He was a well-traveled engineer from an affluent Jewish family. He fancied himself an intellectual, and I was hypnotized by listening to him chat about looking out over the Red Sea when he traveled through Israel, and sunbathing nude in his chartered luxury sailboat in the British Virgin Islands. He spent his summers in Guadalajara with his grandparents. He waxed poetic about philosophy and wine and the human condition. His pretension was intoxicating to me, a young, impressionable girl from a blue-collar family, deeply seated in the Bible Belt.

I desperately wanted to impress him. I shuffled through my mental Rolodex of achievements.

Maybe I should tell him that I can fit my entire fist in my mouth?

I may not have been to Israel and Egypt, but I've been on 'It's a Small World' at Disney. That's just as good, right?

What about that time that I almost won the egg toss at the neighborhood 4th of July picnic, only to be foiled by the sun in my eyes?

As you can imagine, I was feeling pretty insecure. I was about as dull, white bread Americana as it gets.

One day he was name-dropping restaurants in New York City that he considered overrated.

"Les Halles? Anthony Bourdain knows how to make a steak, but the rest of the food is uninspired, contrived French Country," he sneered.

I don't know if it was because I was overwhelmed with wondering what kind of restaurant name "Lay Alls" even was, or if my juvenile inferiority complex had finally gotten the best of me, but I involuntarily spouted off, "I actually make a much better steak than Anthony Bourdain."

My Jewish-American Prince zeroed in on me like a fighter ace. "Oh really? You must be quite the chef. You should make it for me tonight."

"Oh.. Okay.. Yeah."

I didn't know who Anthony Bourdain was. I had never cooked a steak in my life. I had never cooked anything in my life. I grew up on boxed Mac and Cheese and other assorted foods that come with flavor powders. My life flashed back to the time in third grade when I told my teacher I had a pet newt, and she asked me to bring it in for show and tell. I told her it died the next day. Could I tell him my pet had died and get away with this, too?

I really wanted him to think I was interesting, so I decided to take the 'fake it til you make it' route.

I planned out my meal, and headed to the store. I decided to go very minimalistic. Steak, zucchini, and a baked potato. I grabbed my produce and stood in front of the imposing, monolithic meat counter, staring in awe at the huge variety of meat cuts. I hadn't bargained on having to choose what kind of steak. I knew nothing about the cuts and decided the best bet would be to choose something that had "steak" right in the name. I grabbed a package of cube steaks and ran home to begin my culinary adventure.

My guest was going to arrive in thirty minutes. I set the oven to preheat to 350 degrees, the "universal baking temperature" according to the 1970s era Better Homes and Gardens cookbook that I had inherited from my mother. I wrapped the potatoes in aluminum foil and chucked them in the oven.

As a college student, I didn't exactly have a well equipped kitchen. I chopped up the zucchini and tossed it in my single, tiny, non-stick frying pan with about an inch of vegetable oil. I was a little nervous, because almost immediately, it started to look really watery and translucent. I thought the heat might be too high, so I turned it down a bit to keep it from overcooking.

I had watched George Foreman create succulent grilled meats on his namesake grill infomercial enough times, that I felt confident that I could pull off a successful steak. I pulled out the cube steak and seasoned it liberally with salt, and because I didn't have any other spices, a little more salt, and then, for good measure, a tiny bit more salt. Didn't want it to be bland, after all. I tossed those sinewy cube steaks on the blazing George Foreman, and slammed the lid on victory just as the doorbell rang. I couldn't believe it! I had done it!

I let my heartthrob in and poured some wine into solo cups. I pulled the potatoes out of the oven, and looked at my mushy green gel in the frypan. I guess I had overcooked it a little after all. It could be worse, because I still had my pièce de résistance, my soon-to-be-world-famous steak. I opened the George Foreman and saw two grey, lifeless blobs of meat staring back at me. Surely, it would taste better than it looked. I plated the meals and prepared to wow.

The potatoes, after spending 20 minutes in a 350 degree oven, were (unsurprisingly) rock hard and raw.

The zucchini... Wasn't zucchini. I had inadvertently grabbed a cucumber and made hot fried cucumber soup.

The cube steak.. Was beyond salty, impossibly tough, and tragically bad in every way. What can you expect from cooking an unseasoned piece of the toughest cut of meat on a George Foreman for 15 minutes?

I drowned my sorrows and my embarrassment in another bottle of wine. My date excused himself for the night because he had to be up early in the morning. We only saw each other one more time before he told me he was pursuing someone that was "a better fit".

I'm a great cook now.

TL;DR: Hot fried cucumber soup is my signature dish.

goosegoosegoosegoose

Actually, sushi isn't a bad idea if you invite them to make it with you. If she doesn't know how to roll, it will be at least thirty minutes of creation time. Zero prep because you don't have to cook the fish.

ThePandarantula

It's a good basic premise - a classic even - but I don't think it's quite thick enough to fill out 22 minutes of a standard sitcom episode. Here are some other factors to consider:

The protagonist's lack of cooking skill suggests a "man vs. self" story arc, but you need some other tropes, perhaps a naughty cat who sneaks in right before the second commercial break and makes off with a key ingredient for a "man vs. nature" angle

Most sitcoms are basically farce, and a nosy or interfering neighbor is a pretty good trope, and creates the opportunity for more hijinks.

The girl has to be hot, but there's also got to be some other hidden surprise - like she's deathly allergic to some key ingredient in the dish you're preparing that - for some reason - she is never quite able to clearly inform you of. Perhaps there's a misunderstanding, that's always a good standby. So the episode could end with our hero somehow managing to pull off the incredible feat of cooking, triumphantly serving the date, and then having to rush her to the hospital.

Socky_McPuppet

You do this:

Go to the store, buy a big lasagna. Also, a big prepared salad.

Then you go home and put the lasagna in your own pan (you may have to buy one because you're a chef, right, so of course you'd have all the right dishes). Plan it so that it won't be ready until 30 minutes after she arrives.

You ALSO put the salad into your own bowl, and you get a NICE raspberry vinaigrette at the store and you put that into a large measuring cup, as if you had just whipped it up.

Lastly, you buy a bottle of wine (don't go above $15 or below $12), and the best craft loaf of crusty FRESH bread (baked that day) and the best european-style butter you can find. Put a big wad of butter on a small plate to soften before she gets there. When she gets there, you pour the wine and enjoy a glass beofre dinner with her. Then you slice the hell outta that loaf of bread and serve it with the salad and the lasagna.

Then, since you slaved away at cooking, you say you "cheated" at dessert and you unbox two enormous slices of chocolate cake that you bought at the best bakery in town while you were getting your loaf of bread. You make fresh coffee to go with it. The coffee buzz should keep you both awake and energized for sex.

Your shopping list:

Lasagna

Prepared salad

Raspberry vinaigrette

Crumbled blue cheese (for the salad - trust me)

Really great butter

Bottle of decent wine

Loaf of good bread

Chocolate cake

Coffee

(cream and sugar if you don't have them around)

EDIT: Wow, RIP inbox. Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!

Yes, OP should remember condoms.

Also, it wasn't meant to be a fake-out for the lady, because hopefully OP doesn't date the clueless, it was meant to be a reasonable facsimile of the home-cooked meal she's expecting so he can come clean and move forward. Hopefully she'll figure it out (largely from his feeble efforts to hide it) and will have a sense of humor and give him credit for effort. It's simple, not cheap. If he wants cheap, he needs to actually learn to shop/budget/cook.

Thanks for all the nice compliments about how 'bro' I am. I think I'd make a good wingman from afar. What's really going to bake your noodle is that I'm a woman, and probably old enough to be OP's mother.

no_talent_ass_clown

You are going to wow her with not only some fresh food but some awesome presentation. Prepare to spend a ton at the grocery store and get hella messy.

Fresh pasta, homemade sauce, fresh bread, salad, red wine. This takes about an hour of prep, plan accordingly.

Salad: You need to make a fancy looking salad, so think color. Grab some arugula, because that shit looks fancy, and fill a bowl with it. Then add color- shaved carrots, diced beets, yellow peppers, bright tomatoes. When you are done this will look like a watercolor they sell at IKEA. For a dressing take some nice olive oil, fill a little bowl with it and some balsamic vinegar, ground mustard, lemon, salt, pepper. Mix with a fork until it's all floaty. Stick the salad and dressing in the fridge.

Fresh Pasta Sauce: Take a large can of crushed tomatoes, dump into a pot, add a 1/4 stick of butter, some diced onions, some diced garlic, some oregano, and little sugar. bring that to a boil (I have no idea why, this is something they just tell you to do) then reduce heat to almost nothing and let it sit there, stirring occasionally when you remember and shout "oh shit, the sauce!"

Fresh Bread: Face it, you aren't making fresh bread. At Trader Joes they sell fresh pizza dough for like $1; buy some rosemary flavored, roll into long strips, put it on a cookie sheet (that long shallow pan in your oven) that you covered with aluminum foil and sprayed with PAM, and bake for however long the instructions say. It will fill your place with the awesomeness that is fresh bread smell.

Fresh Pasta: This part takes the longest, so plan accordingly. Take two cups of all purpose flour, dump it on a large cutting board (and dump some extra on a plate next to your cutting board). Use the back of a spoon to make a hole in the middle and crack three large eggs and drop then in. Then use a fork to slowly add some of the flour into the egg, starting to beat the mix as you go.

Start playing some music because this part takes goddamn forever.

As you are slowly adding the flour to the eggs add a teaspoon of water and a teaspoon of olive oil. I don't know exactly at what point to do this, just do it. After a while you have this giant sticky ball of dough. You are going to need to coat your hands with some of that extra flour (remember? from above?) and grab some of that dough and just start to mix it up in your hands. I am sure there is a science and an art to this but if you understood that you wouldn't be turning to AskReddit for help so just do it until it looks right. Then take a clean surface, cover it with some of that extra flour, and drop your dough ball on it. Take a rolling pin or (since I goddamn know you don't have a rolling pin) clean the bottle of red wine and start to flatten out the dough. Keep coating the wine bottle with fresh flour so it doesn't get stuck and just roll that sonofabitch out.

At this point you are going to start to panic because this doesn't look right at all and she is going to know and you are going to be super embarrassed but fuck it you are this far down the rabbit hole might as well keep going. Once you have that dough rolled out pretty thin take a knife (or pizza cutter) and cut it into strips; make it look uneven so she will KNOW that it's homemade.

So repeat this process for all of the dough; as you finish cutting the strips you need to let them dry. Open all of the cabinets in your kitchen, cover the top with paper towels, and drape the pasta strips over them to let them dry a bit.

So here's what you are going to do; when she comes over have all of this stuff going on. She will walk in to the smell of fresh bread and see pasta drying all over your kitchen and think GODDAMN THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD. Now that she has this in her head, and it looks like you know what you are doing all covered in flour and dough and sweating and such, that even if it sucks she will think it's just the flavor you were going for and she doesn't have the palate to appreciate.

As soon as she arrives show her how you lost your rolling pin and had to improvise with the wine bottle to roll the pasta and she will LOVE it. Pop that wine, boil some water, let her help you collect the pasta and drop it in the boiling water while you playfully throw some flour at her, and boil the pasta for only about a minute or two. Take out the pasta, let it strain for a minute to get the water off, and let her know dinner is almost ready.

Now presentation is key; you don't know what the fuck you are doing but you can make it look like you do. Take out the salad, whip that now-cold dressing with a fork and put it out on the table. Ladle a bit of the sauce and smear it all fancy-like on the plate, then cover with the pasta and ladle some sauce on top. Don't cover the pasta, just enough where she might need to ask for a little more. Stick a sprig of rosemary or a fresh bay leaf on top of the sauce and serve. Serve a little bowl of fresh Parmesan cheese that I totally forgot to tell you to buy. Present her with the least burn bread roll, laugh over the mistakes as you can say your mind was on her the whole time, and turn on the charm.

For dessert serve four large washed strawberries. Let her know you love the simple pleasure of a perfect strawberry and also do you want some more wine?

Hopefully this helps and godspeed.

capcalhoon

Alright bro, here is what you do: not one goddamn thing these crazy fuckers are telling you. You lied. That is no good way to start the relationship. So, make a date for an amazing restaurant and tell her the truth. You lied to impress her. Admit you do not know how to cook a microwave dinner, you should be handing her flowers at this point. Take her to a nice restaurant and ask for a quiet area or table to sit at.

Enjoy dinner. If she likes you none of the rest will matter. If she doesn't, then that is ok to. At least you did not go through all the trouble of faking it and ultimately prove you can't cook. She may be to embarassed to tell you her food sucked, but she will be thinking this if you cook her Stouffers fucking lasagna. Then, you will not just be the worlds worst chef, but a liar as well once she finds out. And she will. Good luck. - From a real Chef.

Bigpapapumpyouup

Just smash a window. When she arrives tell her someone broke in and stole all your really impressive ingredients and then order take out. After that go take some actual cooking classes in secret. If she wants you to make her dinner between the time of the robbery and the time you learn how to cook just tell her you have post traumatic stress disorder every time you go into the kitchen. If she wants to know where you are while you're out at your cooking class, tell her you're going to therapy to get over your cooking phobia. When you actually finally learn to cook you can make it look like you managed to get over your fear for her, cook her a meal, and then receive a blowjob. Works every time.

ChowMeinBastard

You get a digital thermometer and cook rib eye steak.

Salt and pepper, toss it into a hot pan with butter. Also throw in whole garlic cloves and thyme sprigs. Grab a spoon and occasionally tilt the pan and baste it with butter. Flip it after 3 minutes and repeat on the other side.

Your date should be impressed enough that her top should be off at this point. Maintain composure.

Take the steak out and let it rest covered on a plate. Throw some asparagus in the pan and flip it around until its done.

Eat, and then sexy times.

Kriegenstein

This. Blows people's minds that you can make restaurant-grade steak, but it's as few ingredients as possible and a couple simple techniques.

Salt the steak well beforehand so it softens and then reabsorbs the juice. While that's happening (takes an hour), slice up some onions and throw them in a pan with butter on low heat to caramelize. Stir on the regular.

Those are going to take some time to throw off their moisture, so while they're cooking, roughly slice some mushrooms, and add them or cook in a separate pan.

If you can sprinkle salt, and use a knife, you can cook a $150 restaurant meal at home for next to no money or effort.

ShinyJaker

Buy the following:
Salmon Fillet
Butter
Dried Basil, Salt, Pepper
1 red Onion
Potatoes
Yellow Curry Powder
Broccoli

Start by dicing (that's cutting up into 1/2" squares, dumbass) your potatoes, toss them in a pot of water, and boil them for a while until a fork can slide in smoothly (like you hope to later).

Chop up an onion (sigh.. like this ) and put it in a large frying pan with some oil and start frying it up. Add salt & pepper.

Add in your soft potatoes and start frying them up with the onions. Add in a whole bunch of the yellow curry powder, and a bit more salt until it tastes good. You'll want to fry this up for a good 20-30 minutes in total. Think you're sailing through this? Fuck no, you didn't' add enough curry powder. Add more now and then as it cooks.

Now, melt your butter in a bowl, add in a lot of basil ( at least 1 heaping tablespoon), some pepper, and mix it up.

Heat your oven to 425. Put your Salmon on a baking pan or in a casserole and pour the butter & basil mixture over it. Bake it for about 15 minutes. Timing is important now, bitch, so pay attention.

Chop up your broccoli, getting rid of most of the stems, so they're in pretty small pieces. Put these in a saucepan with about 1 inch of water and cover - but don't turn it on yet.... About 5 minutes before you're ready to serve, put the broccoli on high heat so it steams.

Put your Salmon, Curry Fried Potatoes, and Broccoli on individual plates, then drizzle with the left over butter from the salmon.

Easy, but looks like it took a crapton of effort, and it tastes increadible. You can thank me later.

Lokabf3

Way long ago, I was in the exact same situation as you. Girl texted me in the morning and said she was gonna come over that night. I run to the used book store and look through recipes, trying to find anything that looks simple enough. After about an hour of browsing, I find it:

Fettuccine Alfredo. It's delicious and everyone seems to think it's really fancy but it's really just a glorified mac and cheese. It's, like, one of the simplest sauces you can make. Here's all you need:

Heavy cream (about a cup)

Parmesan cheese (about two cups, don't get pre-grated, get the wedges)

Butter (about a stick)

Garlic (about three or four cloves)

That's it. That's all there fucking is to make an Alfredo sauce. If you wanna get fancy, you can add in a chopped shallot or two, about a half cup of parsley (added after you've mixed the sauce with the pasta) and/or some sort of meat (chicken if you're playing it safe, bacon if you're playing it super safe, prosciutto if you've got enough money to buy about a quarter pound of it).

Here's all you do:

Chop the garlic until the pieces are teeny tiny. They should not be chunks. That's all.

Grate the cheese ahead of time. Store it in a bowl. If you're adding parsley, chop that too.

Chop the shallot if you're into adding shallots. Pieces should also be teeny tiny.

Add both to a pan. Put the heat on about halfway. Add half the butter now and stir until you see the garlic and shallots turning kind of, but not mostly, brown (think, like, 35 percent brown).

Add the cream, the rest of the butter, and the cheese.

Shake some pepper in there. It doesn't matter, the more you like pepper the more pepper you add. As long as you're not dumping half the shaker in there, you're fine.

Stir until it's all melted.

Add the parsley, if you're using parsley (you should use parsley, this shit is heavy and the parsley helps break it up and adds some contrast).

If you're making it with meat, this is when you stir it in (you should probably use prosciutto because you won't need to cook it)

And you have Alfredo sauce. That's all there is to it. When I got done making it the first time, so many years ago, I was, all, "Seriously, dude? That's it? You're telling me I've been eating fettucini Alfredo all these years and that's all it takes to make it? That's all there is?" Yes, that's seriously all there is. Stir it into some pasta, serve with a white wine.

Also, get a light, fruity dessert too. That sauce sits heavy in your stomach and you'll want something acidic to cleanse the palette. Or, if dessert isn't your thing, bring out a fancy grappa or sambucha.

TheMediaSays

Whole Chicken...
3-4 lemons
A bulb of garlic
Unsalted Butter
Seasoning Salt and Pepper
Celery and carrots
One large yellow onion
Bagged salad
Salad Dressing
"take and bake" french bread

Mix the room-temperature butter with some seasoning salt. Spread it all over the chicken. Put some of that deliciousness under the chicken's skin too.

Roughly chop up one lemon, the onion, celery, and carrots (no need to peel). Layer these in a roasting pan.

Stick a fork in the rest of the lemons several times, stuff the lemons into the chicken's ass. Cut the garlic bulb in half, stick both halves up the chicken's ass.

Tie the legs of the chicken together with kitchen twine. Put that bad boy on top of the cut-up vegetables, breast-up. Tuck the wings underneath.

Roast in the oven for 1 hour and 15 minutes at 425 Fahrenheit. Let it rest for 10 minutes covered in foil before cutting into it.

Bake the bread as per instructions.

Serve the chicken with bagged salad and salad dressing, and bread.

mai_tais_and_yahtzee

You start boiling some potatoes. You take a couple of chicken breasts and you slice them shits wide open. Fill 'em up with mozerella and some chopped basil and pesto and maybe some mo'fuckin' avocado slices if you wanna touch a boob. Close that shit up and wrap it all in bacon or parma ham if you wanna touch a vagina. Throw them in the oven in a dish for like 20 minutes on gas 6 then take them out and pour a tub of single cream in the dish with them for like 10 more minutes. Throw some asparagus in with the potatoes for like 5 minutes.

Check the asparagus is cooked and put it to the side. Check those taters. You wanna mash them hardcore when they's soft and cooked. Throw some butter in there and more pesto because that shit makes everything great. Mash that shit till its creamy. If you're so inclined pour some of the chicken juice in it.

Square plate. Big spoon of mash in the middle. Spread that shit diagonally across the middle of the plate. Put a chicken breast on the top of the mash. Pour some chicken juice on it. Put the asparagus there too to make it look nice. Ladies love greens.

Serve with white wine. Drink until you can't perform or she'll wear you down to a bloody stump.

suitablyuniquename

I'm gonna get laid shrimp.

Every girl that I had made this for I have slept with. This recipe has been passed down from my dad to my brother. My brother to me. And from me to you. With great power comes great responsibility.

Buy some shrimp. Raw. Ideally deshelled if your lazy. But if not cool whatever I don't care. Buy the ones with the head on fresh if you can, these taste the best. Bigger shrimp the better, but if they're small it still tastes good. Deshell them if they aren't already.

Get a frying pan. NOT a cast iron pan though I doubt you have one. You need something that will quickly transfer heat. Set stove to high heat because your stove only has one setting.

Chop up some MOTHERFUCKING GARLIC.

Olive oil that pan.

Toss that garlic into the pan. Wait until you hear the sizzling of the garlic. The garlic will burn, but that's okay.

Toss in the shrimp.

Add salt and pepper.

Wait till fully cooked.

Done.

Toss in some cilantro or bell peppers if you want.

Got some burned garlic at the end? Toss them on top of some RICE.

DemeaningSarcasm

It's too late but Spaghetti Carbonara

Shopping list:
Spaghetti (I use thin spaghetti, but go with what is on sale)
Eggs
Garlic (You can use the garlic in a jar)
Frozen Peas
Bacon (Pancetta, if they have it)
Parmesan Cheese
Bread Crumbs

Instructions: 1 - Start water boiling 2 - Cook bacon. You probably know how to do that. Add garlic near the end 3 - Drain bacon fat (leave a little bit) 4 - Add Pasta once water starts boiling (should be a couple of minutes) 5 - Cook frozen peas according to package. They are okay to cook ahead of time. You just don't want to put them into the pasta frozen. 6 - Add bacon back to pan, let it crisp up with the garlic. Drain the pasta once it is done cooking (according to package). 7 - Add pasta back to pot. Add bacon/garlic mixture. Add peas. 8 - In separate bowl, whisk together 2-3 eggs(depending on how much pasta you are making. I use 3 eggs for about 3 servings). Add pinch of salt and pepper. 9 - While the pot and pasta are still hot, add the eggs into the pasta, stirring constantly so the pasta and the hot pot cook the eggs like scrambled eggs. 10 - Add (about 1/4 cup) breadcrumbs and keep mixing. Add Parmesan cheese in if you wish, or just top the pasta with it. 11 - Serve with White Wine and be prepared to get laid.

ThoseTruffulaTrees

This has always been my go-to meal to cook for a girl, it is REALLY easy (seriously) requires very little prep time and never fails to impress. I made it for my fiance the first time she came over for dinner, and we're getting married in May! All you need is a knife, a pan and a pot.

3 cups penne pasta

2-3 tablespoons olive oil

1 1/2 lb boneless chicken breast, cut into narrow strips

1/3 cup chopped onion

2-3 cloves garlic, minced

3/4 cup white wine or chicken broth (much better with wine, something like Chardonnay)

1 teaspoon dried thyme

1 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano

1/2 tsp salt

1/3 tsp pepper

2 tomatoes, coarsely chopped

8 pitted black olives

1/4 to 1/2 cups grated parmesian

Cook pasta according to package instructions

Saute chicken, 2 to 3 minutes in hot oil and then add garlic and onions and continue the saute until chicken is lightlly browned.

Add wine and seasonings; reduce heat and simmer 3 minutes.

Stir in tomatoes and olives; simmer about 2 minutes.

Drain pasta and mix pasta, chicken mixture and Parmesian in a large bowl.

HAVE ALL INGREDIENTS READY BEFORE YOU START TO COOK.

If it seems dry, you can add a little pasta water if you have saved some.

egamble

Ramen. boil some carrots in two cups of broth. Sautee some diced squash or zucchini, or both. put aside after slightly browned and soft, but not too soft (try it as you go). put the sauteed veggies to the side in a dish.

use the same pan for cooking a piece of steak. Cook on medium high for 4-5 minutes on each side (if its very thick, probably a bit longer). here's how to tell if steak is done by touch

add your noodles a few minutes before the steak is done, to the carrots and broth. The carrots should be soft, but not mushy (again, test them by eating, if they get tender, turn off the heat)

After noodles are soft (2-3 minutes) add HALF the spice pack (cause you used broth instead of water) and the sauteed veggies. If you are feeling fancy, drop an egg into the broth and stir well. The broth must be hot to cook the egg, it will give it a very creamy look.

slice the steak (after resting it for a couple minutes while you do the above) and put it on top of the broth, veggies and noodles in your serving bowl

congratulations. You have just sexied up that packet of ramen noodles into lazy mans udon. enjoy.

atomsk404