How dateable are you?

An internet meme like Grumpy Cat with googly eyes

A photo of your ex, during the last argument you ever had

A bathroom-mirror selfie, slightly marred by the loo in the background

“Likes: top banter. Dislikes: inefficient, substandard or undercooked banter”

“My mother will be joining us. Do NOT risk eye contact with her”

“Buy me a spatchcock chicken at Nando's and I’m yours”

An “I'm With Stupid” T-shirt to break the ice

A wetsuit with snorkel gear, irrespective of the location or activity involved

Aaargh, what should I wear, what should I wear?

“Can we get past the awkward bit and just go straight for a coffee please?”

An intense and unblinking 45-second stare

A hearty “C'mere, you!” twinned with a boisterous headlock and ruffled hair

Grinding of teeth, wringing of hands, wiping of brows

By loudly proclaiming, “Well, this is awkward!"

With a panicked, inexplicable rendition of the theme from Minder

Say nothing and consume the foul meal regardless. Because that’s what Brits do, right?

Flip the table and scream like a banshee 'til you pass out

Immediately launch it into your date's stunned face. Foood fiiight!

With a coquettish giggle and blushes a-plenty

“A partner in crime”

“Someone who just LOVES getting pranked, five, six, even seven times a day”

Immediately eat the bill

Suddenly realise that (noooo) you've brought your Nectar card instead of your debit card

Throw Monopoly money onto the table, grab your date's hand and flee

Fall to your knee and propose with a ring made from one of your own teeth

Become so awkward and self-conscious that you momentarily black out

Lean in for a kiss, then blow a raspberry at the last second

A hilarious series of prank calls to your date, in a variety of accents

Savagely over-analysing the evening until you convince yourself your date hates your very existence

Meditation. Fasting. Voodoo incantations. Glaring at your phone. Waiting. Willing. Waiting.