Who Would You Actually Be In The Bird World?

Panic -- this can't possibly be legal

Call your stylist and hop a plane to Paris

Finally help out that foreign prince who's been emailing you, because you know he'll pay you back

Invest it wisely, as always

Give 99% of it away (because you're not about material things) and spend the rest on an elaborate arm tattoo of an obscure literary scene no one but you will recognize

Tell him it's fine, no wait, send it back, no wait, it's fine, no wait, maybe just take the sauce off?

Clap with joy because this dish matches your eyes better anyway

Take a picture of it, apply the "chrome" filter, and Snapchat it to your friend across the table

Ask the waiter where he sees himself in 5 years and if choices like this are going to help him get there

Slip some into a baggie for testing -- it's probably poisoned

Career decisions

The chicest footwear boutiques

The bands they should listen to before anyone else does

The worries that keep them (and you) up at night

Nothing -- you're a disaster, why would they ask your advice?

Reach for it, drop it, and listen as it bounces and lands six rows away

Freak out -- who would call right now unless it's bad news?

Grab it from your satchel and silence the ring tone (which is the sound of a needle scratching on a vinyl record)

Whoops! Snap it up by its bejeweled case and tap the OFF button

Clip on your headset and excuse yourself -- It's probably important

When you tried to pepper spray an intruder and sprayed your own eyes instead

This morning, upon waking

When you made yourself remember a super-sad movie in order to test your waterproof mascara

When your bike got stolen from the tree you tied it to while you were working at the craft beer truck

You only shed eye-water once a year, and then only to give your tear ducts a vigorous cleansing

Reading VOGUE to figure out what the perfect sleeve length is these days

Hanging out in a used bookstore, sipping a cold-pressed coffee through a recycled newspaper straw

Doing a dozen pull-ups on the bar in your office doorway, then getting your car washed and waxed, because a polished image is part of your personal brand

Going to the zoo! Just as soon as you figure out where the zoo is. And your car keys. And your car

Imagining why your friends canceled and what they're probably saying about you

Put an airport-issued elastic name tag on your black roller-bag, because what are the odds anyone else would also do that?

Cover it in old bumper stickers, which is especially quirky because your suitcase is actually a tuba case

Use the same titanium-encased trunk every time, because you always recognize it and it's indestructible

Actually don't check luggage at all because the sign says you're not supposed to let your bags out of your sight

Tie a colorful silk scarf to the handle

"know where this matcha tea was sourced"

"don't accidentally fill my gas tank with water from the car wash hose like last time"

"look just enough better than everyone else that they all want to be me but they still totally like me"

"am not dead?"

"am in charge"