How to Spot a Half-Orc by Jonathan French
How to Spot a Half-Orc by Jonathan French
by Jonathan French
by Jonathan French
In The Lord of the Rings, during Frodo & company’s visit to Bree they encounter a “squint-eyed southerner” inside the Prancing Pony who “...looks more than half like a goblin.” It’s still up for debate, but it’s possible that Tolkien had given his hobbits, his readers, and literary history, the first glimpse of a half-orc.
Future fantasy creators made the identification of half-orcs less ambiguous. Dungeons & Dragons popularized the creature, and in later editions of the game half-orcs became a distinct, easily recognizable entity: bigger, stronger, fanged, brutish, and with skin hues usually ranging within greens and greys.
While I can’t settle the debate in Middle Earth and am too lazy to examine D&D’s rather necessary stereotypes, I can, however, help potential readers properly identify half-orcs within the world of The Grey Bastards, my fantasy novel where practically every character is some form of human/orc mix. Before you even crack the pages of this book, I can tell you that the Lot Lands are a harsh place.
Ok, you’ve arrived, as bewildered and uncomfortable as Frodo and his furry-footed crew when they first left home. How can you tell who the half-orcs are? Here’s some tips.
They’re stronger than you
You can lift all day, bro. Your gains can be sick. You can Crossfit until your blood type is Muscle Milk. But in the eyes of a half-orc, you’ve not only skipped Leg Day, but every day. There’s a reason they refer to us humans as “frails”. In this world, orcs aren’t dungeon fodder, they’re apex predators, and having their blood mixed in your veins pretty much makes you a truckhouse from birth.
They’re hotter than you
And I don’t mean they’re sweating more under the fierce sun. No, I mean you see a half-orc and all your physical shortcomings immediately spring to mind. Doesn’t matter how heroic your cleft chin is, or if your teeth twinkle bright as a road flare when you smile, compared to a half-orc you’re a soft 7. At best. Because like any pirate or rock star worth his salt, a half-orc’s hygiene and facial attractiveness have nothing to do with his sex appeal. Rather, it’s the natural swagger, the earned tattoos, the constant air of impending violence, the ability to wear any crazy combination of garments and still pull it off; that’s what gives these mongrels the type of dangerous allure that has been making fathers of teenage girls lose sleep for centuries. They make blood and grime fashionable. Hell, the dirtier they are, the sexier. To them Axe body spray is the red mist that comes flying out of metal-clad men when they bury a blade in them. Also, they’re taller than you. And way more swole (see Tip #1 above).
They’re NOT stupider than you
In the Lots Lands, assuming half-orcs are dimwitted brutes is as big a mistake as challenging them to a physical contest. Orcs aren’t stupid to begin with. More savage, sure, but that does make them simpletons. In the smarts department, half-orcs have the same range as humans, from dumber than a box of rocks to Da Vinci...with muscles.
They’re not your baby-daddy
Without exception, half-orc males are sterile. This is good to remember as it is the key to understanding half-orc creation and the three types of human/orc hybrid. Your standard half-breed is the product of a human female surviving a horrid encounter with an orc. Half-orc females aren’t overly fertile, but they can sometimes conceive, and if they have a child with a human male, the product is known as a frailing. While these mongrels may have less orc blood than average, the tips above still apply. A child born from a half-orc female and an orc male is called a thriceblood, or simply a thrice. It’s often hard to distinguish these massive mongrels from full-blood orcs. If in doubt, run.
They have a way cooler ride
Easiest way to spot a half-orc in the Lots: anyone riding a hog. And by hog, I mean a really big pig. Orcs lack the ability to domesticate animals; that’d be like dolphins allowing a shark to teach them tricks. Half-orcs, however, don’t send every beast running away on pure survival instinct. And, as mentioned, they’re also strong. Very strong. This allowed them to tame a certain breed of swine and break them to the saddle. Being mounted is crucial to surviving the badlands, and why ride a wimpy horse when you can have a thousand pounds of boar beneath you, complete with bristling tusks!
That about does it. Stronger. Sexier. Smart. Sterile. Big pigs. Had Frodo and Sam been traversing the Lots Lands with these tips, I doubt they would have been confused. “Look Mr. Frodo, that strapping, trig-looking, tattoo-covered chap astride the great, snorting hog who makes me seriously question my feelings for Rosie Cotton though there’s no chance of him getting her with child, that’s one of them half-orcs and no mistake!”
You’re welcome, Master Gamgee. You’re welcome.