How Drunk Are You Right Now?

Aniseed, doner meat and regret

I have lost all sense of taste

Loneliness

Blood

Your mobile phone is soaked in blood

A text from your best mate: "wr r uim dnstraws and lcked in toylet pls hdlpppp.. Onli 1%!!!!!"

83 unanswered texts and Facetime calls to your ex-girlfriend

A blank screen

Nobody comes to check on you. You're there for weeks.

A brilliant, seductive light glows from the end of a tunnel. Each step you make towards it eases the unfathomable pain that throbs throughout your body.

Your brain spins violently in your head. You proceed to puke all over your cheeks and it gets all inside your ears.

A furious Turkish man brandishing a meat cleaver demands that you leave his establishment at once.

Just close your eyes and enjoy the touch of another human being.

Thank them for putting you out of your misery.

Headbutt them on their forehead, before collapsing to the floor in a daze.

Shout 'You what?' at the top of your voice for 3 straight minutes.

Threaten to wreck the driver's rating unless he turns the volume up and plays Ace of Base.

Ask them to take you to the nearest hospital whilst bleeding all over their upholstery.

Spend hundreds of pounds circling the town, relishing a rare taste of human interaction.

Hang your head out of the window, staving off hick-ups and sick-ups.

I have very big opinions on burger sauce and other condiments.

Even I don't care about my opinions.

I am dying.

They are the most important of all of the opinions.