Which Magical Kingdom Will You Call Home?

You really love money and don't care about poor people. Unless of course you can think of a classy way to use them - like living landfill! Hey, if those welfare-consuming parasites mostly sit around all day and get stoned, why not just have them live in one mass grave- er, I mean yard? It would be a great idea for a new ambitious landscaping project or perhaps an open urination zoo where you and your fat cat friends can tease the poor by getting them all wet and wild. LOL That would be awesome! Just piss away your stress and thank God you're the chosen people and God, whatever that abstract thing is, looks down on you and gives you a big thumbs up. God be like, "You're awesome, little dude! You now know the secret to life: making money, riding waverunners, and most of all, winning awards. Seriously, you and King Amram get along splendidly, since you both really do worry about all those dangerous poor people with easy access to guns, knives, and martial arts training, which really should be restricted to the above 100K range.

You really hate everybody, don't you? Whether it's banning weapons, banning religion, banning capitalism, banning equality, banning...whew! Do you ever just Netflix and chill and not ban shit all the time? We understand the whole thing about not letting insane people run the world. We get that you're afraid of all these insane people shooting up children, and all those religitards pushing their holy wars on the world. But you and Queen Darwin seem to have this strange thing about forced genetic selection, and your ideas of restricting stupid people from breeding seems a bit harsh and unhippie-like man. I mean, come on dawg. You really need to let people just be, sometimes you know? Sometimes a dude just needs to go run into the forest with an AK47 with a beer in one hand and a dildo in the other and say "FUCK THE WOOOOORLD!" That's just what mens gotta do, ya feel me? Say, let me ask you this Queen Ballbuster. Are you at least going to let us have free sex and easy access to liquor, pot and shrooms? Because regulating the bodies of people is like old testament times, dude. What's that you say? Loss of virginity is mandatory at 18, street drugs have been legalized and abortions are forced if one or both partner's IQ level is too low? OK, COUNT ME IN! Ban everything! Long live the Queen!

You are really angry, dude. You seem to spend a lot of time tearing into meat, staring people down in hate with your pecks right on their pecks, and flaring your nostrils like an angry hippo. You talk like the bastard love child of Darth Vader and Ron Jeremy with extra donated sperm by Barry White. You are physically incapable of smiling and saying something sweet. Everything sounds like a death threat coming from you. You smile, and seriously, I'm like **pulls out the machete and says "Don't come any closer, maaa!" Your idea of fun is to practice wielding spears, swinging swords or tearing a rapist's nads off because that's what real MEN do. Real men go sailing, go destroying and killing and then come home for a nice relaxing whale hunt. You scare me. No wonder everyone thinks you're crazy, you and you're insane leader King Satyre, who looks like a rock with a glued on face. The fact that you go to church all the time and scream at God, angry about all the injustice in the world isn't really productive either. I'd say you need good sex, but judging from all reports of frightened prostitutes in your region, who claim you really have no idea that there are in fact TWO HOLES, you make love as violently as you go to war. You're the type of guy who goes into a school sees a box of Legos on the floor and just eats them, thinking they're candy. That's what REAL MEN do. And right before bed, you slice your forearm for a laugh, thinking about something funny your old buddy said, right before his face got hacked off by renegade warlocks. Shit, you got some issues man.

You like gadgets, don't you? You're as weird looking as fuck and you tend to stare at people, pretend like you're listening, and then go back to playing with your iPad jigger and zoning out. Look, technology is all well and good. And we are very grateful that your culture is so gadget-driven. But do you even remember what it's like to camp? Do you recall what being intimate is even like or is all your intimacy cybering lately? Do you even read books for fun anymore or do you mostly check out buzz lists for the top 10 bizarre conspiracies that no one can prove but that your stupid dumbass buddy says REALLY happened? Really man, it's not cool when someone is dying right in front of your eyes to say, "Cool story, bro." Or when someone is pouring their heart out to you, you don't just say, "TLDR" and make a smiley face. THERE ARE NO SMILEY FACES IN REAL LIFE, ASSHOLE. Do you at least care about all those protesters outside the city who hate CEO Wardiz and who are so adamant about your government's misuse of resources? Look, I know you get really scary and psycho when I distract you from winning round 33 of Candy Crush or whatever the hell you're playing. Just take a break sometime. Try to enunciate some words rather than using text abbreviations when you talk. Make peace with the physical world. Come back to us! PLEASE! PLEEEEEASE!! Pleeeeeease! **Bounces up and down**

You are just a bad ass, aren't you? You don't like rules, you don't like people telling you what to do, and you sure as hell don't like kissing the ass of all those phony politicians. A person like you is too busy getting high (on way more powerful designer drugs than that cheap shit from the Pinkians) and paying for sex from all those legal prostitutes to waste time preaching about morality. You do have an unorthodox way of solving problems - usually by dueling people that piss you off and then eating their dead bodies in a wondrous display of barbarism followed by poetry and song. Hey man, we ain't judging. We just think you're a bit extreme for most people. You belong with your own kind, and probably a good 20 miles or so from normal civilization which takes life seriously and shit like that. Anarchy is cool and shit, but we still prefer the illusion that someone is in charge and there is such a thing as basic human decency.

Whoever you are, whatever your soul is made of, it is not the same as ours. You are not just scary - you're absolutely fearless. You have no fear of death, no fear of God(s) and the only thing that matters to you is your own personal journey, come what may. When you walk into a room, people just stop their bitching and look at you and their fucking jaws drop. You're not just alpha - you're meta. You're a higher animal altogether, mother fucker. You don't need people. People are all just fuck-toys for your amusement. You don't even need a place to stay. You just rip a person's guts out and that makes a fine pillow. You're just fine being in the middle of nowhere, because all those murderers, rapists and evil bastards should really be afraid of YOU. When you show up to a party, everyone runs away and leaves you the liquor and the room. It would take a fucking tank to stop you! Why you always walking all brooding and shit like the Terminator?

You're just a freak in general. Seriously, you like to hang around haunted places, mumble nonsense to yourself and write down esoteric prophecies in a language that no one else understands. You're the type of person that just lives in a cave for hundreds of years and nobody even knows about you until you emerge with a huge battalion of mole people or some epic LOTR shit like that. Nobody invites you to parties. No one likes you, dude. You turned all of civilization against you and now you're a disgrace. I don't even like you, to be honest. If you were being eaten by lizards, meh, I think I'd just watch respectfully and wait to harvest your organs rather than risk touching you. Don't want to get any zombie disease. Know what I mean, vern? Although, I wonder since you're living in exile and all that away from all roads and civilization...can I have your car?

You are a cartoon! You are not human at all, and frankly, no one on earth fully understands your loony shit. You are not really a normal person fitting into society, you're more like a toon. A talking animal that just wants to make people laaaaaugh. You hang around other creepy animals, do all sorts of creepy sexual things, and just mostly sit around talking about how much you hate human beings. Hey, I can't blame ya there. But for real, my nigga. You cannot find such a thing as trans-animated surgery and turn yourself into a living cartoon. I know it feels like your eyes are way too small, your body way too three dimensional, and your skin full of too many infinite colors. But transforming yourself into a 2D cartoon princess is just NOT the way to be happy. You're going to pay all this money for surgery and you'll be a real life toon and then one day you're going to be like, "Damn. I sort of miss being a regular person sometimes."