Maximum Pop! - Can you guess if Dan or Phil tweeted this?

We had to move dressing room as there was a dog sized fly terrorising ours. It's probably eating my suitcase right now.

My dad thought it would be funny to let me try and park the car at the supermarket. RIP to the 3 bushes and bed of flowers that I murdered.

I left our door open and my neighbour's dog just ran into our lounge! I thought I was being attacked by a wolf until he licked my hand.

3 EYELASHES IN MY EYE! What is happening.

Damn!

I tried to order a Christmassy Starbucks drink and then remembered the horrifying truth.

I swear all I do is reach for my laptop charger when it falls off my bed why don't I have abs yet.

Oh look my hotel bedside drawer came with a free bible expansion pack.

A boy was bouncing a basketball outside and a man shouted 'IF YOU DON'T STOP BOUNCING THAT BALL I WILL BOUNCE YOU!"

Feeding fish makes me feel like the FISH KING.

I got a huge bruise on my leg and I'm trying to figure out if it looks like a screaming duck or a sloth holding onto a tree.

A friend convinced me to 'go for a walk' this evening which means either they're gonna murder me or I look like I desperately need exercise.

It just thundered so loud I dropped my hobnob in my coffee! Thanks Thor.

There is no better version of yourself than when you're around a friend's parents and become the physical embodiment of politeness and grace.

Is there anything as oppressive as having to actually get dressed to leave the house on a Monday after a weekend of only wearing pyjamas?

Thinking I should start gathering two of every animal in London.

Nothing gives me more validation in life than heckling contestants for getting wrong answers on gameshows that I know I'd never win.

Went to see Wicked for my mum's bday! It made me want to paint myself green and jump out of the window. 5 green babies out of 5.

I literally haven't moved since I tweeted this. My butt and the sofa have combined into one object.

Just saw a centipede scuttle under my bed so I guess it's time to move to Antarctica.

Why are wasps so angry?!? Probs jealous of bees and their swaggy fluff.

England more like fuckimmeltingdeargodhowcaniescapethisunbearableheatimsweatingoutofmyeyeballswhereisallthebloodyrainweresupposedtohaveland.

New video about to drop lads it is flirtatious and outrageous but hopefully not contagious.

People are asking me what i want to do for my birthday. How do I say 'be alone and eat a lot' without sounding rude?

I'd write a funny tweet about being jet-lagged but I'm too jet-lagged. I'll do my live show on Sunday at 7PM!

Was having a barbeque until I tripped over it and now it's a floorbeque.

Alien: Covenant could have been amazing as a full prometheus sequel but no we get more xenomorph shooting because the normies like it REEEEE.

Got a 'Superman' flavoured ice cream! Thankfully it tasted of bubblegum rather than superhero flesh.

What should my new icon be?

Something relatable.

Starting the day by ugly crying at undercover boss USA.

Does it count as half a press-up if I just lie on the floor?

When I become president I'll make it a law that all beverages are served with a toasted marshmallow.

When you think you're above posting shameless cute selfies but you crave validation so you write a self depreciating caption to seem ironic.

I don't trust blond people.

An immigration officer laughed at my passport photo and asked if it was my 'tragic emo phase' ok let me into the country don't shame my past.

Woke up on the sun lounger with hundreds of new friends crawling up my legs! Maybe should've checked to see if it was on top of an ANT NEST

Just saw a man jump out of his car and sprint down the freeway to rescue a slow-crossing tortoise! He should be the new Marvel superhero.

I find if you make it your goal to be a constant disappointment you'll suddenly be really content with how the world perceives you.

I sometimes wonder what my issues would sound like expressed as songs but I know instead of Adele i'd just be a single flat tuba note.

Ok so the pigeon I was taming has pooped all over my new garden chair and now I understand why the neighbour was mad at me.

May the first be with you.

As someone who doesn't go outside or open the curtains 'spring' is just the time when it gets warm enough to walk around in my underwear.

I ordered burrito from a "healthy mexican" place but it's apparently a "burrito salad" with no wrap wtf this is no burrito I feel BETRAYED.

So the neighbours thought their dog ran away but it actually came into our apartment and I petted it for an hour before telling them whoops.

I'm about to eat a cookie bigger than my face so this week is off to a good start.

I was told if I ate 7 olives I'd like the taste! Well I just did and it was a massive lie and I want to eat my own tongue to get rid of it.

The hotel receptionist asked how many L's are in my name and I said "I'm a one L kinda guy. Less lip, more of the ip" I just shouldn't speak.

Back in kangaroo land! Went to Bondi beach today and I have never felt more pale.