Which Scumbag from Die Empty are You?

You are Death.

You wander this earth with wanton disregard for almost all others save those who serve you in some capacity. Maybe this is because you've been around long enough to know all is transient . . .

or maybe you're just an asshole.

Lance:

You're petty, self absorbed, insecure, and paranoid.
You are a disappointment to your parents and your secretary.

You probably have three tabs open, all porn sites.

Pervert.

You see yourself as a victim of circumstance, and use this outlook to justify hurting others around you. You're happy with the small things in life: cigarettes, 80 proof liquor, your neighbor's husband, cuckoldry.

Wholesome things like that.

Your sales rank on Amazon is shit, and it's a good thing you're too drunk to cook because your food tastes like trash.

You want it all!

And because you can't have it all, you've reduced your ambitions to a pathetically low level to sustain your delusions of grandeur.

You're the kind of dip shit who walks into a five star hotel just to take a picture of yourself with an "elegant" backdrop.

You're the kind of guy who buys a cheap bottle of liquor and fills an expensive empty bottle you found at a garage sale.

It's all about appearances for you.

Scumbag.

You look pretty and purport to have a valuable function, but you're just a pile of viscous garbage tightly packed in a cellulose membrane.

You make people sick, and your brightly colored packaging is just a veneer veiling your pointless existence.

You're soap-scented dog shit.

You're barely keeping yourself together, because you're essentially a rotting corpse with a pack of cigarettes stuffed in your prison wallet.

You've got no business being here, or being alive for that matter. Yet here you are . . . congrats, I suppose.

Seriously, wear some fucking pants. Sick bastard.