Tell us your instrument and we’ll give you a New Year’s Resolution

Your resolution should be to let the jibes slide off your back more easily - the viola jokes aren’t going to stop, y’know, so maybe it’s time we learned to live with them. Then we can plot revenge.

We see you, trombones. We see you sneaking out of rehearsal during your 492-bar rest to get a quick pint in. And we know it’s hard to resist a cool, refreshing drink the moment the concert is over. But this year, maybe it’s the year you actually just count the bars rest.

It’s the ultimate temptation, and the easy way to keep your nails in check so your playing sounds sweet. But - newsflash - it’s COMPLETELY RANK FOR EVERYONE ELSE. Stop it pls.

So there’s conflicting medical evidence on whether or not this actually does damage to your precious hands, but we’ve done our own research and it’s NOT NICE for other people to hear it. No more of this please.

Think of the favour you’ll be doing to your orchestral colleagues - just throw everything down an octave and save the next generation’s hearing.

Yes, we know it’s a crushing realisation, but trust us: there are other composers out there. Finzi will still be there after you’ve trawled your music folder for something new.

Shocking revelation: your eyebrows do not make you play the violin better. We love to see a musician really getting into the music, but violinists, your eyebrows are out of control.

So your 2017 tour of a random East-European country was a smash, and you are forever bonded to your choir besties: but think of the other musicians you could be talking to! This year, make a conscious effort to befriend a non-singer. It’ll be like a social experiment.