Why Can’t Deandre Jordan Shoot Free Throws? A Conspiracy Examination.

The LA Clippers’ Deandre Jordan is an Olympic Gold Medalist, an NBA All-Star, and a two-time All-NBA selection. He also might be the worst free-throw shooter in league history.

If you’re wondering how one of the NBA’s premier players struggles with one of the game’s most straightforward tasks, you’re not alone. Plenty of so-called experts have chimed in with some seemingly plausible causes to explain the core of Jordan’s ineptitude: nerves, a mental block, a mechanical issue with his shooting motion, and even illiteracy:

If you’re content buying into the “oh it’s just stage fright” narrative, that’s your prerogative. But for the rest of us, let’s be honest: we all know something greater is at play here. After much extensive research into the world of basketball trends, pop culture references, and reasonable absurdity, here are three perfectly legitimate conspiracy theories explaining the truth behind Deandre Jordan’s seemingly inexplicable inability to make a free throw.

The classic 90’s movie Space Jam had one major flaw in its plot.

Aliens from distant planet/struggling amusement park Moron Mountain rob five NBA stars of their basketball skills. In the process, the players suspiciously lose even basic hand-eye coordination.

The movie rationalized public response to this mystery with rumors of some unusual disease, but what happens when the analyses come back and a doctor finally debunks that possibility? Suddenly all sorts of wild ideas would fly about, and with the peculiar returns of Michael Jordan, Bill Murray, and Newman (in a spaceship, no less), it would only be a matter of time before the aliens were discovered and Moron Mountain was turned into a Walmart.

Don’t you think aliens would try to be a little more inconspicuous?

That’s right - rather than strip legends like Charles Barkley and Patrick Ewing of their basic motor functions, aliens instead decide to rob a less-heralded, clunky-looking big man of one very specific skill. And if said big man were still capable of doing things like...

... Then his free throw deficiencies would seem relatively unimportant, thus drawing minimal attention.

Let’s say that without extraterrestrial interference Deandre Jordan would be a slightly below-average free throw shooter, clocking in at around 70% (a considerable improvement from his career average of 43%).

It is not inconceivable to think that aliens would steal this ability in order to win a game of Knockout against their Loony Toon foes. A 70% free throw percentage won’t guarantee victory, but it still gives the aliens a considerable leg up on a team consisting of Yosemite Sam (career averages of 38% free throw shooting and 8 errant gunshots per game) and Tweety Bird (who is literally one twelfth the size of a basketball).

Advantage: Aliens. All thanks to their theft of Deandre’s free throw shot.

It’s late in the 4th quarter of some future Clippers playoff series. They’re fighting tooth and nail to pull off an extraordinary upset and unbeknownst to the rest of the league, they have a secret weapon.

Despite Jordan’s free throw troubles, coach Doc Rivers keeps him in the game and even runs an offensive play through him. With the other team in the penalty, they opt to immediately foul Jordan and send him to the free throw line.

Rather than his normal sulk to the dreaded charity stripe, Jordan smiles a knowing smile. And behind him on the bench, Rivers matches with a knowing smile of his own. And the whole Clippers team smiles this smile, for the moment they are about to witness has been nearly ten years in the making.

Some player of the opposing team who himself likes smiling knowing smiles - say, Draymond Green, for example - is concerned by this unusual behavior.

He asks,

And Jordan replies,

Suddenly, Steve Kerr on the Warriors bench realizes what is happening. He gasps audibly, in disbelief. It can't be...

Green again asks,

Jordan takes the ball, stares right at Green, and proclaims:

He hits both free throws.

The Warriors still win by 20 and take the series in 5.

A gifted athlete with tremendous power who struggles with a skill requiring great precision? Deandre Jordan is Rick Vaughn.

In the 1989 baseball movie Major League, Vaughn is a rugged Cleveland Indians pitcher with an absolute cannon for an arm. The only problem is that accuracy isn't exactly his forte...

The issue persists throughout the season until coaches discover the true culprit: poor eyesight. Once they equip Vaughn with a pair of glasses, he turns into a rock-star:

THE THEORY: Let's first give Deandre Vaughn's signature haircut...

... Then let's give him an edgy personalized theme song/nickname combo for every time he enters the game...

... And finally - set him up with a pair of these bad boys for every free throw:

Prediction: Jordan becomes the league's best free throw shooter while carrying the Clippers to a championship and carving out a reputation as a cultural icon.

You heard it here first.