Food Lover/Food Poser Quiz

It’s run by that sleeve-tatted Estonian chef I’ve been reading about everywhere.

It’s 45 minutes away on a side street I’ll get lost trying to find, but I’ve heard from a reliable source that the food is unlike anything I’ve ever had before.

It serves those sea urchin dumplings drizzled in melted duck and topped with caviar-dusted pork rinds that I saw on Instagram.

I have to beg the server to let me order that incredible-smelling dish I saw on the next table and can’t pronounce, even though he keeps insisting I won’t like it.

I can Tweet about how I’m waiting forever for a table at that hot new restaurant.

I can tell my friends that I went there (subtext: first).

I can flash back to at least one unbelievably good, unforgettable dish from the dinner for weeks afterwards.

There’s a mellow bar down the street where we can wait without getting jostled, and the staff will text us when the table is ready.

Hit as many of the hot new restaurants as I can.

Bail on friends if they’re not into hitting the new restaurants on my list.

Wander into a neighborhood where I don’t know anyone and I’m not sure exactly where I’ll eat, but there are a bunch of restaurants serving a cuisine I don’t know much about and I’m in the mood to eat something I’ve never tasted before.

Get a T-shirt/hoodie of the food truck/pop-up where I ate (or saw on Instagram and walked past but never actually tried).

A mixologist at I’m a Lumberjack Bar in Bushwick, Brooklyn

A writer whose essays are even richer and more life-changing than the spectacular meals she writes about.

I just Googled her: a preeminent American food writer credited with inventing the genre, and considered by poet W.H. Auden to be "America's greatest writer."

I just Googled her: She cooked wolves, right?

A bib.

Instagram.

A mason jar.

Whatever is on the table next to the dish I’m about to devour.

It’s hot and caffeinated and tastes good.

It’s cold and caffeinated and tastes good.

It’s pour-over because… wait, why do I love pour-over coffee?

It’s made with a Chemex because of that stuff about borosilicate glass and… I don't know but it looks cool. 

So cool. It's like when each ingredient arrives in a separate container, as in the deconstructed coffee they’re serving at that Australian cafe I read about.

When NYC mayor Bill de Blasio does that ridiculous pizza-with-a-fork thing.

When you break something apart in order to better understand the whole, as in the way I like to eat Oreos. Or my stoner roommate's Marxist deconstruction of Game of Thrones.

Something I don’t want to think about when I’m eating.

Amazing

Just / Can’t / Even / OMG

Any fricking adjective that is NOT amazing or I-just-can't-even-OMG

We order for the table so everyone gets to try everything.

The server asks “Have you ever dined with us before?” and then explains how the menu works and what s/he really loves tonight and also how to use a fork. Then tries out a bit s/he is working on for a comedy open-mic.

It’s all small plates. I love small plates! They’re so adorable and you get to try a lot of different things--and still be hungry for a slice of pizza afterwards.

I can order whatever I want and keep it all to myself and everyone stays the hell away from my dinner.

Bring a bottle of unoaked Chardonnay. I hate oaky Chardonnay because (wait, why do I hate oaky Chardonnay again?).

Bring a handful of dirty garlic scapes, and when met with a blank stare, cheerfully say “they’re from my CSA!”

Ask the hosts where they sourced the beef for the steak.

Bring a bottle of wine, enjoy the dinner, sincerely thank the host or hostess, and avoid the word “sourced” at all costs.