Is Your Local A Proper Pub Or A Hipster Hangout?

1-2 if you're counting Guinness as an ale

3-5, although only two are drinkable

It doesn't have taps

1-2, just to appease the punters who don't like proper beer

3-5, including one that is over £5 a pint

5-10, at least one of which is always off

Were you not listening? It doesn't have taps

They have Peroni and Kronenbourg on tap, everything else has a witty name

It's mostly brands I've heard of, but they have a guest beer every now and then

It's an even mix of independent brewers and household names

There are no craft beers

There are only craft beers

Normal crisps and peanuts that cost less than £1

Posh crisps and tiny ramekins of pistachios at £2+ a go

Yes, they have a varied menu of dishes from around the world and the restaurant is always busier than the bar

Yes - Sandwiches at lunchtime and [classic dish] with chips and salad in the evening

No, eating is cheating

Artfully decontstructed in miniature watering cans and shopping trolleys on a piece of slate

On a fucking plate

There's a picnic table out the front chained to the delivery hatch, does that count?

Yes, it is beautifully landscaped and strung with fairy lights with really awesome space heaters for when it gets chilly. They also give out blankets

Yes, with picnic tables and a slide surrounded by broken glass and cigarette butts

Yes, and my aim improves dramatically after exactly 3.6 pints

No, giving drunk people sharp things to throw is a health and safety nightmare

Yes, it's £1 a go and winner stays on, any attempt to deviate from these rules will be dealt with

No, it would take up too much space

Yes, and there's always a Liverpool fan in the corner who is waiting to tell you all about how this is their year

No, it's a classy establishment that is not looking for any trouble

Depends who's asking, if you're from Sky then no, if you're looking for somewhere to illegally watch the 3pm kickoff then come right in

Yes, and there's always a crackling fire to keep you warm in the winter

Yes but it's purely decorative

No, but it has this rad new thing called central heating so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

11pm, any later and it's a lock-in

It varies according to the day/season