Comedy Coven: Which Witch Are You?

Chelsea Peretti

Maria Bamford

Bill Burr

Mitch Hedberg

420 Green

Pink

Purple, I'm royal

Red, the color of power and the blood of men

Orange or cobalt or seafoam or the corresponding color to the current moment's emotion

A task based activity, hopefully involving food

It's a warm summer night, we're in your car and we’re up on one of those high hills that couples in cheesy movies go to sit on. As the sun slowly sets I’m resting on your shoulder and nuzzling into your chest. My favorite song is playing on the radio. And when the sky has turned a dark blue, you put your hand on my cheek & kiss me on the forehead... you tell me this is the happiest you've been in a long time. As you look deep into my eyes you say, "there's something I gotta tell you... my real name is Aubrey Graham." And I look back into your beautiful brown eyes and I whisper "I know."

We drink Jack & Coke and play the piano outside of the Everybody Reads bookstore, emotionally jamming to Sara Bareilles. Also just a night of making fart noises

We binge watch serial killer documentaries after you make me a western omelette and we smoke out of a Volcano

We make elaborate plans and then drop them last minute to drink late-night coffee at a diner while enthusiastically describing our favorite episodes of television

Experimental Avant Garde. Any Maya Deren movie.

Romantic comedies where the man is dead/a ghost or the woman is a mermaid/alien/kills the man

Those movies where a successful artist or businessy type returns to her hometown and is forced to confront her past. Bonus points for sparse dialogue and a bland, inoffensive indie soundtrack.

Seinfeld reruns

Documentaries

Any city with a restaurant that was famously featured in a Nora Ephron movie

Anywhere with a nice view from my hotel room's window, so long as I never have to leave the bed

Camping by mountains

Never been, but I know I'll love Italy

Woody Allen walking tour of NY

J.K Rowling

Two way tie between Kurt Vonnegut and The RZA

David Sedaris

Margaret Atwood

William Faulkner, because I also have a penchant for rambling and whiskey

Reading articles & faving all of @moscaddie's tweets

Reading, painting, twerking into a mirror, trying to trick a gay man into loving me

Getting high watching Broad City all day while texting my loved ones

Touching myself to sleep

Writing jokes & repressing memories with booze and True Crime

1, +1

+1, -1

-2, +2

2

0

A Monty Python song where I can mention my penis/balls (I don't have a penis or balls)

Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know," or really any song where I can be angry into a microphone

I'm NOT gonna sing karaoke because it's dumb & boring, but if you somehow talk me into it, it's Like a Prayer by Madonna, every time

I have someone else pick a song for me, and then just rap "That Christmas Song" by DWV over it the entire time

TOO NERVOUS FOR KARAOKE

Black coffee. Waffles sprinkled with watermelon nerds. Nerds rope. Scrambled eggs.

3 lbs of snow crab legs, unshelled, because fuck that I'm about to die I don't have that kind of time; KRAFT macaroni and cheese, a giant pile of sour gummi worms, and a strawberry & banana milkshake

A grilled cheese sandwich and balsamic brussels sprouts. Probably some water infused with cucumbers.

Nothing, thank you :)

A burger, medium well, with cheese, ketchup and a fried egg on top. Fries. A 44oz Coke.

Everyone eats baked potatoes while talking about their feelings and listening to The Shins. No one cries.

Everyone has to take a shot of Wild Turkey and smoke blunts (the number of blunts correlates with the age I am when I die). I'm paraded around in a wheelchair wearing sunglasses like Weekend At Bernies. The event culminates with my body being shot out of a cannon.

A potluck. And if it's not a potluck, I'm haunting the hell out of everyone.

ALL BLACK. Not the clothing or the decor, just the attendees. All the pallbearers are wearing demin vests with no shirts underneath and they're only allowed to talk about how hot I was before I died. Open bar.

It'll be like one of Yoko Ono's interactive art piece where instead of cutting pieces of my clothing and hair, people will cut a piece of me and eat me. Raw.

I can't pick one so Kyle KinaneBenedictCumberbatch

Aidy Bryant

Ted Bundy (so handsome!)

Kanye West

Donald McKinley Glover, Jr, also known by his stage name, Childish Gambino

Whatever involves you staying far away from my asshole

From behind, so I don't have to look at your dumb face.

From behind while lying on my stomach, so that I can avoid eye contact and transition seamlessly to a deep sleep.

THE ONE WHERE I'M RAMMING A DILDO UP THE ASS OF THE PATRIARCHY

Missionary. I'm religious.

Panic attacks and/or shrieking

"DANNY DEVITO, I LOVE YOUR WORK!"

To quote Aparna Nancherla, "could I get that in cash?"

"Wanna compare dicks?!"

Is he cute though?

IDK

I want them to love me still

Because life is meaningless and parental approval is merely a tiny echo in the existential void

Ideeeek

Born ugly. Nothing's changed.

Tricia Chamberlain

Jacqui Marpa

Emily Syrja

Stephanie Onderchanin

Taylor De La Ossa