What's Your Love Type?

This test will tell you your love type to find your best matching partner. We won't tell you anything about the love types until you have taken the test, so your answers won't be affected by knowing about them first! If you enjoy this test, there's more information about the love types and their best matches, dating, and finding a great partner in our new book, "Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner." http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00IW6JYV0

Jeb Kinnison
Created By Jeb Kinnison
On Mar 29, 2017

When I see a happy couple together, I...

When I see friends fighting, I...

Is it more important to get ahead professionally, or to be loved by a great partner?

Would you rather stay in a cozy home forever with your partner, or roam the galaxy looking for new experiences?

Would you like to read more about the love types and what type is right for you?

Secure Type

Secure Type

A person of the secure love type (who we will call a Secure) is self-confident, empathetic, and cares about the feelings of others. Having been brought up with responsive parents and feeling safe in relying on others for comfort and care, Secures have confidence that they can be themselves and disclose their own inner thoughts and feelings to those close to them without fear of rejection—and when they are rejected by someone unfamiliar, know that they are worthwhile and not feel much hurt by others’ moods and negative feelings. Confident of their worth, they can roam the emotional world freely and assist others with their strength and empathy; lacking the fears and preoccupations of the other types, they can communicate honestly, empathize completely, and love unconditionally.

It is the ability to “see” into the feelings of others that separates the secure type most from the others. A quiet, calm confidence allows the secure person to attune themselves to others, making them better parents, partners, friends, and employees. And the ability to freely express both positive and negative feelings enhances their relationships. This is the skill called emotional intelligence.[1]

The benefits of the secure style accumulate over a lifetime. Secure children are more liked and have more friends than others, and tend to have happier family lives. Secures find partners and friends more easily, form attachment bonds more readily, and tend to have longer and happier marriages.

In working with others, Secures use their ability to reflect on their own (and others’) inner emotional states to more effectively communicate. Their emotional intelligence lets them work in teams, understand the emotional messages sent by others and respond appropriately, both verbally and nonverbally—others understand their feelings better and have a greater sense they can be relied on. Thus, on the whole, Secures are more successful in a group work environment. Secures also have higher incomes, on average.

If you are dating a Secure, he puts his cards on the table, and will show interest if interested, or decline to go forward if not. Secure people don’t withhold or manipulate to get what they want—they tell you what they want, and offer what they have to give freely once a relationship is underway. A Secure wants you integrated into his life—he wants his friends and family to be your friends and family, if possible. A Secure does not try to keep you from knowing them, or live a compartmentalized life where you are not welcome in some settings, like work or family. When there is conflict in goals or plans, the Secure will make an effort to understand your point of view and find a compromise that satisfies you both. A Secure does not put up barriers or constantly talk of “boundaries”—if you press on him too hard, the Secure will let you know your error, but not hold it against you. A Secure can speak freely about his feelings and memories, and explain how he feels or felt so you can understand it, and he values your understanding of who he is and how he got to be that way. Secure people tend to show anger in a relationship more easily, but quickly recover their calm and don’t hold grudges—someone who is honestly angry at you for a good reason is communicating their distress in a healthy way, when a less secure type might suppress it and add to a secret store of resentments you will never be told about directly.

Roughly half of the population is secure, but since Secures are more successful at getting into and maintaining happy relationships, Secures are less and less available in older dating pools.

From Jeb Kinnison: I wrote this book to explain how good relationships work to younger people. Understanding the basics of attachment types will save you from wasting time and suffering heartache with the wrong partner, and it’s very important that this information get out to the world. Please help by posting your results to your Facebook wall or Twitter to spread the word and help your friends, and please do buy and read the book. Help me help others find good partners! Click here for the book: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00IW6JYV0

Anxious-Preoccupied Type

Anxious-Preoccupied Type

Psychologists speak of the anxious-preoccupied type (who we will call the Anxious.) They are the third-largest love type, at about 20% of the population. Because their early emotional needs were unsatisfied or inconsistently satisfied, they crave intimacy but tend to feel doubtful about their own worth, making it harder for them to trust that they are loved and cared for. At the extremes, and with a more secure or dismissive partner, they are viewed as “needy” or “clingy,” and can drive others away by their demands for attention.

Since they require constant messages of reassurance, the preoccupied find it hard to venture away from their partners or loved ones to accomplish goals, and will undermine their partners if necessary to keep their attention for themselves. The classic clingy child or parent or partner is acting out their anxiety about abandonment.

Anxious adults in a work setting “tended to procrastinate, had difficulty concentrating, and were most distracted by interpersonal concerns. They also had the lowest average income.” This inability to concentrate on anything but relationships handicaps the anxious, and makes them trouble for teams where they will put their need for reassurance ahead of the task at hand. As a team member, the anxious require more management time and attention, and produce less work.

In dating, the anxious put their best foot forward and try too hard, sometimes missing the subtle cues that would allow them to listen better to understand their partner’s feelings. They feel they must always prove themselves and act to keep your interest—they want constant interaction, constant touch and reassurance, which other types can find maddening. As long as they are getting the attention they want, they will let their partner get away with being difficult in other ways—even negative attention is keeping the game going. If their relationships last, it is often because they have found a partner whose insecurities dovetail with theirs, who will participate in an emotional drama similar to what they were raised with. While the anxious have strong feelings and can discuss them when calm, their feelings are centered around their needs for attention and the failures of others to provide it on demand. They commonly blame others for not understanding their feelings and needs while not feeling safe enough in the relationship to describe them openly. They want to merge with their partner, so this type is prone to codependence—a dysfunctional mutual dependence where neither partner matures further. They are profoundly disturbed by and resist even short separations. The single anxious person badly wants a partner and spends a lot of time feeling lonely.

For an anxious person, the key to finding a good partner is to avoid dismissives and other anxious people who will never make them feel secure. A Secure partner can help an anxious person become more secure with time, improving their sense of assurance in life in general and allowing them to achieve their other goals.

From Jeb Kinnison: I wrote this book to explain how good relationships work to younger people. Understanding the basics of attachment types will save you from wasting time and suffering heartache with the wrong partner, and it’s very important that this information get out to the world. Please help by posting your results to your Facebook wall or Twitter to spread the word and help your friends, and please do buy and read the book. Help me help others find good partners! Click here for the book: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00IW6JYV0

Dismissive Type

Dismissive Type

The Dismissive type (called dismissive-avoidant by psychologists) has a subconscious fear that others are not reliable and intimacy is a dangerous thing. Dismissive individuals (who we will call Dismissives) have completed a mental transformation that says: “I am good, I don’t need others, and they aren’t really important to me. I am fine as I am.” The Dismissive has dealt with his fear of unreliable others by deciding he doesn’t need others much at all, and so has little apparent reason to participate in the emotional signaling of a close relationship.

Dismissives are rarely open about declaring their contempt of others. But they think highly of themselves and will tell you they value their self-sufficiency and independence—needing others is weak, feelings of attachment are strings that hold you down, empathy and sympathy are for lesser creatures.

A Dismissive often has a story of a previous relationship which was never fully realized or ended when his partner left—early in his romantic life, or perhaps long-distance. The memory of this idealized previous partner is used as a weapon when the Dismissive tires—as they quickly do—of a real relationship and its demands; no one could measure up to the one that got away. This is another distancing trick to keep real intimacy at bay.

Avoidants “were most likely to be workaholics and most inclined to allow work to interfere with social life. Some said they worked too hard to have time for socializing, others that they preferred to work alone. Not surprisingly, their incomes were as high as the secures, but their satisfaction was as low as [the anxious.]” Because of their ability to focus on work and act independently, dismissives can be phenomenal explorers and individual contributors. In fields where performance is not based on group efforts, and a lack of concern for others’ feelings can actually be beneficial, the dismissive can be a star player—for example, in some types of litigation, or some scientific fields.

In dating, dismissives can be charming and have learned all the social graces—they often know how they are expected to act in courtship and can play the role well for a time. But lacking a positive view of intimate others, they expect relationships to fulfill a romantic ideal which no real human being can create for them, so all fall short and are discarded when it becomes inconvenient to continue. Typically as the relationship ages, dismissives will begin to find fault and focus on petty shortcomings of their partner. Because they are not really aware of their own feelings, they can’t talk about them in a meaningful way, and often the first clue the about-to-be-dumped have that something is wrong is the dismissive’s move to break up with them. Once you have read this book, you will likely be aware of the missing signals and the many small clues that the dismissive is not committing to you or anyone any time soon, but those who are unaware of this type will usually soldier on, not trusting their own feeling that something about Prince Charming is not quite right.

The dismissive is afraid of and incapable of tolerating true intimacy. Since he was brought up not to depend on anyone or reveal feelings that might not be acceptable to his parents his first instinct when someone gets really close to him is to run away. Superficially the dismissive thinks very highly of himself, and is likely to pin any blame for relationship troubles on his partners; but underneath (especially in the extreme form we label narcissism), there is such low self esteem that at his core he does not feel his true self is worthy of love and attention. Should a partner penetrate his armor, unconscious alarm bells go off and he retreats to either aloneness or the safety of companionship with others who do not realize he is not what he appears to be on the surface.

The dismissive attempts to limit his level of exposure to partners by manipulating his response, commonly by failing to respond to messages requesting assurance. Dismissives let you know that you are low on their priority list, and your inner emotional state is your problem—when you are with one, you are really still alone, in an emotional sense. By only partly participating in the normal message-response of partners, they subconsciously limit the threat another poses to their independence. This behavior is called distancing, and all of us do it to limit our intimacy with others when we don’t want to be as close as they do, but for the dismissive it’s a tool to be used on the most important people in their lives.

t’s difficult for Dismissives to relax and trust another person enough to be in a good relationship. Being aware of their tendencies to distance those close to them and the damage that it does can help the Dismissive reform, and partnership with a Secure (who is able to leave them alone when they don’t want closeness) can help a Dismissive lower their walls.

From Jeb Kinnison: I wrote this book to explain how good relationships work to younger people. Understanding the basics of attachment types will save you from wasting time and suffering heartache with the wrong partner, and it’s very important that this information get out to the world. Please help by posting your results to your Facebook wall or Twitter to spread the word and help your friends, and please do buy and read the book. Help me help others find good partners! Click here for the book: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00IW6JYV0

Fearful-Avoidant Type

Fearful-Avoidant Type

The Fearful type (called fearful-avoidant or anxious-avoidant by psychologists) share an underlying distrust of caregiving others with the dismissive, but have not developed the armor of high self-esteem to allow them to do without intimacy; they realize the need for and want intimacy, but when they are in a relationship that starts to get close, their fear and mistrust surfaces and they run away. In psychology this is called an approach-avoidance conflict; at a distance the sufferer wants to get closer, but when he does, the fear kicks in and he wants to withdraw. This leads to a pattern of circling or cycling, and the fearful-avoidant can often be found in a series of short relationships ended by their finding fault with a partner who seems more threatening as the partner gets closer.

The early caregiving of a fearful type often has some features of both neglect and abuse (which may be psychological—a demeaning or demanding caregiver, rejection and teasing from early playmates.) A fearful type both desires close relationships and finds it difficult to be truly open to intimacy with others out of fear of rejection and loss, since that is what he or she has received from caregivers. Instead of the dismissive’s defense mechanism of going it alone and covering up feelings of need for others by developing high self-esteem, the fearful-avoidant subconsciously believe there is something unacceptable about them that makes anyone who knows them deeply likely to reject or betray them, so they will find reasons to relieve this fear by distancing anyone who gets too close. As with the dismissive, the fearful-avoidant will have difficulty understanding the emotional lives of others, and empathy, while present, is not very strong—thus there will be poor communication of feelings with his partner.

A narcissistic or demanding mother can cause a child to mold him- or herself to please the parent to the point where little remains of the child’s own feelings and personality; they have been trained to display a false personality to gain parental approval. Children who have been brought up this way often become high-achieving, competent adults with a sense of hollowness at the core, and episodic low self-esteem. They are often from families where parents are highly competent and have high expectations, and parenting may have been so active that childhood selves were quashed by parental expectations, judgments, and signals. In other words, parental ego is so dominant that the child's true feelings are buried to avoid their disapproval. What the child learns to display is a false persona more pleasing to the active and admired parents.

While we all have public faces—versions of ourselves edited for public consumption—the fearful have commonly developed a false self, an acceptable outer personality which inhibits spontaneous display of their innermost thoughts and feelings even in intimacy. Those who think of themselves as their friends will often be surprised and hurt when high stress brings out the true personality of the masked one. By hiding their true selves, such people live with a social support network that has been attracted by their fake persona, so that when a crisis occurs, those who might have cared for them aren’t around, and those who are around don’t care for the real person revealed by the crisis. “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” Real intimacy and loyalty are founded on honesty, and pretending to be someone you aren’t—keeping up appearances—leaves you with no lasting close friends or partners.

Like the Dismissive, a Fearful-Avoidant type is more likely to relax and allow someone to stay close to them when the partner is a Secure type. Understanding their approach-avoidance tendency can help the fearful-avoidant reduce their cycles and stick with one partner, especially if that partner is also aware of the problem.

From Jeb Kinnison: I wrote this book to explain how good relationships work to younger people. Understanding the basics of attachment types will save you from wasting time and suffering heartache with the wrong partner, and it’s very important that this information get out to the world. Please help by posting your results to your Facebook wall or Twitter to spread the word and help your friends, and please do buy and read the book. Help me help others find good partners! Click here for the book: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00IW6JYV0