Which Dillo Day Headliner Are You Hooking Up To?

Don’t say the n-word during D.R.A.M.’s set. Don’t say the n-word during D.R.A.M.’s set. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T SAY THE F***ING N-WORD DURING D.R.A.M.’S SET. When people ask you what song you had sex to during Dillo, there’s a 100 percent chance you’re gonna lie and say Tame Impala or The 1975 or literally anything that doesn’t imply you did your walk of shame from North campus.

Let’s be real: Porches’ mellow, synthetic, indie beats are more suitable for emo cuddling, and that’s what you and your monogamous partner are probably going to be doing more than sex anyway. Because honestly, you’re probably gonna be whiskey-dicked out, so you and your partner have to settle for a sloppy makeout session and a refusal to acknowledge each other when you pass them on Sheridan during reading week.

You underestimate the importance of foreplay. You overestimate the importance of a sex playlist. You'll probably try and time your climax to the part of “Kids” where the kid screams really loud. From there, it'll be “Time To Pretend” they’re going to want to hook up with you after Dillo. Also, you get your music opinions from Pitchfork.

You’re probably one of three people who actually got excited when Gramatik was announced as part of the Dillo lineup, and you’re consummating that. You’re probably also crossed. The sex will be good for only one of you. If you’re a guy having sex with a girl, it’s probably you.

Geez, did you even wait to get to a room before hooking up? I mean, not that it mattered, it was great sex. Like, really great sex. Like, sex so good it makes running into them at Norbucks all the more awkward and cringeworthy. Because you know you said some foul shit while y'all were doing things. And they did, too. (You haven't listened to Little Simz since, either. Which is really to your own detriment, she's great.)