Which One Of My Garbage Moms Are You?

Spray-painted the word “LOVE” on the side of your nice son’s wonderful Lion so that the Diamond Authority's Emerald Hand had to come and blow up the beautiful Lion, which is a lion

Opened up the mane of your nice son’s wonderful Lion and shouted the word “Fuck!” into it so many times that the resale value of the lion went down by half

Invited your nice son to Bring Your Clod To Work Day on Homeworld, where you told your coworkers that his job was “trying to bring the traitor Rose Quartz back to life” and that he did that job for free because he was “in it for the love of the game,” even though your nice son’s real job is “small encouragement boy”

Packed hundreds of dead hoagies inside of a gem monster's blowhole so that when the monster came up for air, it shot an enormous fountain of rotten sandwiches into the sky like nightmare confetti and frightened the passengers of a nearby sons cruise

A T-shirt with your nice son’s face on the front and the words “Lion Owners: Get Fucked” on the back

A cookie cat that you stole from the Big Donut that got your nice son sent to jail for two years after police found it mounted above his "Pyramids of food I Love (No Putrid Hoagies Here)" homemade infographic poster

Thousands of copies of The L Word season 4, so that on delivery day a huge truck pulled up and dumped so many copies of the same DVD on top of your nice son that he remained trapped under the pile for three days before rescue workers finally found him

Hired an extremely convincing look-alike of your nice son’s hero, Ranger Guy, to come to your house and call your nice son a clod, thereby causing your son to wail and weep long into the night

An oil painting depicting Dogcopter stuffing your nice son’s entire body into the tiny mouth of his beautiful Lion, signed "Fuck you" ($1,800)

A gravestone with your nice son’s name on it, and an actual Purple Puma in a full mesh leotard to throw that gravestone in the face of your nice son’s Lion ($800 for gravestone, $1,600 for actual Purple Puma)

You hire the real Ranger Guy to come to your house and give your nice son a clod to the face, thus causing him to wail and weep continuously even to this day ($750)

A series of billboards running up and down our nation’s highways sporting a picture of your nice son’s face with the words “Here Is The Man With The Tiny Hands (My Only Weakness)” written beneath it ($25,000 per month)

Sentences involving the phrase “a big and illegal shipment of fucks”

Sentences involving the phrase “luring my garbage son into the love fusion"

Sentences involving the phrase “graves for children”

Sentences involving the phrase “psychological demolition”

Yes

Absolutely

Yes, I loved doing this to you with all of my dumpster soul

It was the greatest thing I’ve ever done in all of my garbage life