The Funniest and Most Embarrassing Things Kids Have Said In Public

When my child was in preschool I was a single parent. I found her crouched down in my closet one day playing with my vibrator. Bzzzzz… bzzzzz.. on and off… I had heard the noise as I passed by my bedroom.

When I looked down at my daughter holding my vibrator, I nearly screamed. I grabbed the toy out of her pudgy little hands so quickly, she almost started to cry. Red faced and dying of embarrassment, disgusted by the idea of her playing with my sex toy, I told her it was Mommy’s toy and she is not to play with it.

The next day she went to preschool and drew a giant phallic symbol on the board, when asked what it was, she exclaimed it was “Mommy’s closet thingy and only Mommy was allowed to play with that toy.”

sohungry-

My uncle’s daughter (about 6 years old) was playing outside and fell down the stairs. She came running inside covered in bruises and crying. Her dad asked what happened and she said something like “The stairs hit me!” So my uncle corrected her and said “Oh. You mean ‘I fell down the stairs!'” Once she stopped crying she understood.

Later on in the day we were out getting groceries. The lady at checkout asked my cousin, after seeing her bruised legs “What happened to your leg?” And my cousin responded with “Daddy, what did you tell me to say? Oh right. I fell down the stairs.”

PhreedomPhighter

My children used to go to a preschool attached to a church. One day I was picking them up, and put them in my van (boy age 4, girl age 3 and a baby). I kept the doors open while I was settling them in, and an old lady parked right next to us to go to church. She was really old (looked to me like late 80s or 90s), and she wanted to pop her head in and say hi to the children. My 3 year old daughter looked at her and said: YOU ARE GOING TO DIE SOON!!! I was mortified, but the lady was so nice, she said.. Oh dear, I hope I still have a little more time left…

After that for some reason my daughter had a talking-about-dying phase where she pointed to the elderly at the markets and told them they were going to die.

Earlymorningsky

When our daughter was 3 she was very proud of the words that she could say. Her favourite was “truck”, but of course it didn’t quite sound like it should. Sitting one day with her at a busy bus stop when a truck drove past and she starts shouting at the top of her voice “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck Mummy, Fuck!” Cue lots of funny looks and me trying not to laugh my head off.

Not long after my dad came to visit, and he didn’t know about this. I asked Eris to say truck to Grandpa, and she proudly shouted “Fuck!” at the top of her voice again, right in the middle of a busy pub. He burst out laughing and ended up laughing so hard he cried 

From then on every time she said it we had to say “Yes Eris, truck. Well done.” Or she would keep shouting it over and over…

poisoned_strumpet

My boyfriend at the time and myself took my 3 year old son out to eat at a nice restaurant. When he had to use the bathroom my boyfriend took him and he decided to use the restroom as well while he was in there. My 3 year old comes back to the table and as loud as possible yells ” wow mama he has a big pee pee ” The man in the booth behind us chocked on his food and my boyfriend was so mortified we just left. We got married a couple years later.

Summertimebreez

Yeah, I have a really sweet neighbor, “Bonnie.” I run into her from time to time at our neighborhood pool. Bonnie had 2 babies in just over 2 years. About three months after she had her 2nd daughter, she was at the pool with both kids and in her swimsuit.

I see her with both of her kids so I go over to say hello to her and my older son (about five at the time) comes with me. I ask her how the baby is doing and my son points right at her belly and says “Hey Bonnie, do you have another baby in there?” (which was absolutely a post partum belly, made somewhat worse by having 2 kids in quick succession).

To say I was mortified was an understatement. I wanted to sink into the cement.

To her credit, Bonnie took it like a champ. She just smiled and said “No, honey, two babies is more than enough for me right now!” and we both quickly changed the subject.

I just hope Bonnie didn’t go home and cry hysterically after that one…

But, she has talked to me since that day, so I think she’s over it…

lenachristina

Sitting at Red Lobster near the window across the parking lot from the newly-opened Dick’s Sporting Goods store after having just gone there to shop, my 10 year old daughter turns to me and declares, “Dad, I like Dick’s.” The guy sitting in the next booth almost required the Heimlich maneuver.

WhaIDontEven

When my son was 5 or 6, we were in a waiting room at the doc’s office. There were some kids playing in the corner, talking to each other in Spanish. My boy, not wanting to be left out, goes over to the group and sits down to open a line of communication with the other kids. Before I know it, he starts speaking absolute gibberish, with every other combination of letters coming out of his mouth (not words!) beginning with “el”. It was hard to control myself from laughing uncontrollably. A few minutes later we were called back, and I asked him what was he saying to the other kids, his reply “I don’t know, I was speaking Spanish”.

akagi613

When I was about 6, my little brother was 2ish and not great at talking. He couldn’t pronounce the word “cotton balls” properly. It always sounded like “cocknballs.” My parents of course thought this was hilarious, and so did I, but not for the same reason. I thought it was funny because my little brother was too dumb to say cotton balls properly. So anyway, one day I’m out at the grocery store with my grandma, and upon spotting a bag of cotton balls I yell “LOOK GRAMMA COCKNBALLS!” I proceeded to laugh like a maniac while she turned bright red and tried to get me to stop chanting “COCKNBALLS COCKNBALLS!”

MissSonnenschein

When my daughter was three, I took her to a festival downtown. Afterwards we were walking down the sidewalk, and I noticed the woman walking towards us with her cute little chihuahua was wearing an eyepatch. My three year old noticed at the same time and screamed out “Mommy, that lady is a pirate!” I quietly tried to explain the woman might have an eye injury, but my daughter had noticed the chihuahua and became hysterical. “Mom, that pirate stole a puppy! She’s going to eat it! Mom, she’s a bad pirate!!!” lots of shrill screaming for my daughter, huge embarrassment for me. I tried to apologize and the lady just glared at me. With her one eye.

SoulRequiem

My wife was in a department store that was closing down and went into the communal changing room to try something on. The place was a mess as people had run rampage through the place. My wife had taken my 4 year old son in there and he looked at the ground and commented how dirty and messy it was. Just then a Hispanic lady comes into the changing room and he chirps up “Oh its OK – the cleaning lady is here”. I have no idea where he got this from.

jalien

My son used to try and say car and truck together. My friend and I were walking on either side of my little man through Walmart, holding his hands. He loudly says “Look Daddy! A black cock!!!!” Your only option is to reply back, just as loud: “Yes son, that is a black TRUCK!!!”

THE1NONLYChopz

It’s a Veteran’s Day school event. The entire town is gathered in the school auditorium for a special presentation by the second grade class. They’ll sing songs and perform a play. This is a small town, and the crowd bustles with long-time friends and neighbors greeting each other before it starts. My 2nd grade son has a speaking role, has dressed up, and carefully reserved seats for us at the very front. Not the front row of bleachers, but the front row of folding chairs that had been placed for VIPS; decorated veterans, school officials, and the odd parent of a child whom was presenting.

The energy was as high as the flags flying above us. My wife and my 4 year old sat waiting for the presentation to began, nervously chatting with an armed forces member heavily laden with medals. The crowd turned deafeningly silent as the national anthem began to play. Everyone stood immediately, placed their hands over their hearts, and listened as the Francis Scott Key’s words rang through the auditorium. “And the hooooome, of theee, brraaaavvveee…..” There was a tiny mystical moment of silence afterwards while the veterans reflected.
That moment of silence was very short. My four year old, easily bored and with no control over the volume of his voice, immediately and quite loudly proclaimed “UUGGHH! I HATE THAT SONG!” Several dozen uniformed veterans, the entire school board, the student body, and every member of the community that had decided to join–everyone…turned and stared in complete shock, horrifically offended, having very clearly heard what he had yelled.

Deflin

My very verbal son once asked a rather large woman how many babies she was having. Not when she was having a baby, HOW MANY BABIES.

He also once asked, really loudly, in the crowded ladies restroom, when my penis had fallen off.

Same kid also said loudly at a train station, “That man is SOOOO black. Why is he so black?”

The black man in question turned to my son and said, “Because I am from Nigeria. In Nigeria, little children would be asking why you are so pale,”

His brother isn’t nearly as talkative.

Memithezombiekiller

The kids had the day off from school for MLK day, so we took them to a local children’s museum. We live in a predominantly white town, so our kids, unfortunately, don’t have much interaction with people of color, but we keep an open dialogue about racism, tolerance, etc. so they know about the world outside our little area. Anyway, my youngest daughter, who was around 7 at the time, sees the only black family in the place (a father and his toddler son), and yells “Oh my god! It’s Martin Luther King Jr!”….Idon’t think the man heard her, but we were mortified!’

sammy_nobrains

Mommy is a dirty whore.

He was trying to tell people it’s mommy’s birthday and she’s turning 34.

scorpion_1962

Both of my parents are Redditors, so hopefully they haven’t already posted this story, but here’s the “Airport Incident” story: My mom went out on a business trip for the week and so me, my little (mildly autistic) brother, and my dad, went to go pick her up at the airport. After we find her and we’re waiting at the baggage claim to get her suitcase, my brother rips a loud fart and everything goes silent. All eyes are on us, awkwardly, then Max (my brother) yells “I COULD NOT HELP IT. IT JUST CAME OUT OF MY BUTT!”, keep in mind, he was about 9 at the time, so it wasn’t exactly cute or socially acceptable. The silence was deafening at this point and then I slowly realize that’s not the worst of our problems. It starts to smell, and not just any ordinary fart-smell, no, this one was the most rank, sulfur-y ass-gas that spread throughout half of the baggage-claim area. I saw a few people start glaring at us and we were all mortified by that point. After the wait-of-shame to get the suitcase, we walked as fast as we could to get out of there, and to this day, it’s one of my most awkward moments.

NyanDerp

When my daughter was a little younger I would sometimes lie on the floor when she wasn’t looking, close my eyes and pretend to be dead. As soon as she noticed I wasn’t talking to her anymore she would run over to me, poke me for a while, and the second she started to look nervous I’d jump up and roar at her like a lion. She would fall over in surprise and crack up laughing almost every time, so naturally I did this a lot. Eventually she started doing this to me as well; I’d pretend to be surprised when she jumped up to scare me, she’d say “I got you!” and we’d both start laughing.

One day we were walking through Hastings (a large bookstore) when she decided she wanted to surprise me and play dead while I was looking at some books. I saw what she was trying to do, but there were a lot of people around and I knew it would look a little odd if my daughter suddenly dropped to the ground and stopped moving. I decided I’d just pick her up and walk around the store with her for a while so I wouldn’t upset her because I didn’t want to “play,” but the moment I did this she started screaming “LET ME DIE!!!!” at the top of her lungs. I can’t imagine how that must have looked to everyone as I carried her out of the store. Needless to say, we don’t play dead anymore.

Jehusephat

My father had apparently been trying to teach good eating habits to my 3 year old daughter and had a few things to say about McDonalds. McDonalds happened to be her favorite restaurant, so she often suggested we eat there. My wife and I were not aware that she had been given a health lesson on McDonalds, so we were quite surprised that on our next visit, when we were standing in line, she belted out “ONLY FAT PEOPLE EAT AT MCDONALDS!”

We immediately glanced around the dining area to observe the damage that our sweet, lovely daughter had just doled out upon the patrons, and I swear I made solid eye contact with at least seven obese, angry, McDonald’s loving motherfuckers.

BlondRicky

When my daughter was 3, she went to Toys R’ Us with my stepmother to get a new toy. She was running ahead of my stepmom a little ways when she saw an Elmo doll. She stopped dead in her tracks and yelled at the top of her lungs: “OH MY GOD, A HOMO! A HOMO!” According to my stepmom, this was within earshot of a lesbian couple just an aisle away. Luckily, once they saw the Elmo they thought it was hilarious. Still, not my daughter’s most shining moment.

sir_stegosaurous_rex

My son is 4. Every time he sees a man with a turban he yells that he’s a genie and he demands his wishes.

mmmmyiss