10 things to do with heavy books
10 things to do with heavy books
There’s something immensely pleasurable about holding a really heavy book. And it’s not just because the story inside, if it’s well-written and addictive, is likely to keep you occupied for days or even weeks. It’s because heavy books are useful: far more useful than you’d think. With a little practice and imagination, you’ll find you can use them for all sorts of jobs. In celebration of the launch of Rob Boffard’s OUTER EARTH - an omnibus containing all three novels in his action-packed space adventure trilogy that clocks in at just under a thousand pages – we’ve come up with ten useful things to do with really heavy books.
There’s something immensely pleasurable about holding a really heavy book. And it’s not just because the story inside, if it’s well-written and addictive, is likely to keep you occupied for days or even weeks. It’s because heavy books are useful: far more useful than you’d think. With a little practice and imagination, you’ll find you can use them for all sorts of jobs. In celebration of the launch of Rob Boffard’s OUTER EARTH - an omnibus containing all three novels in his action-packed space adventure trilogy that clocks in at just under a thousand pages – we’ve come up with ten useful things to do with really heavy books.
1. Radiation Shielding
Ha! You thought we’d start with something obvious. But no: in the event of a nuclear apocalypse - something which seems worryingly likely these days - books, and heavy books in particular, are very useful things to have around. Not just because you’ll need something lengthy to read as you wait in your underground shelter for the world to rebuild itself, but because when it comes to radiation shielding, books are right up there with earth, steel and lead, in terms of blocking harmful rays. You need to build quite a thick layer, but having big, heavy books means you’ll need to use fewer of them. Ergo: buy more heavy books, in case Trump kills us all.
2. Impromptu Building Material
Hey, with the way the housing market is right now, none of us are getting on the property ladder. Ever. So how about this: instead of spending hundreds of thousands on a tiny flat, buy a small bit of land somewhere nice, then build a house out of books. Obviously, the bigger the books, the fewer you’ll need - just wrap them in plastic, stack them (maybe with a dab of glue here and there) et voila. Instant first rung on the property ladder. Make sure you keep one of them aside to read, though.
3. Bookend
A book that acts as a bookend? Meta! But it can be done - and what is more blue-sky thinking than propping up a long line of books with another book? The bigger and heavier the book the better, obviously, as it will hold up its end of the line more effectively. Pro Tip: Put the book horizontally, not vertically. The first time we tried this technique, we didn’t, and a lot of books ended up on the floor.
4. Deadlifting
Lifting weights isn’t just about impressing the girl and/or boy at the gym by secretly flexing your muscles in the mirror when you’re sure they’re looking your way. It’s about proper technique. If your chest isn’t out, or you’re not back on your heels, you’re likely to injure yourself in a way that will ensure you never get a date with girl and/or boy in question.
5. Fermenting Weight
So here’s the thing: we all love fermented food. And if you think that’s rubbish, three words: pickles, kimchi, bread. Making these foods at home has become super popular, and one thing you’ll need to do as you pack cabbage into jars with salt and spices is find a hefty weight to place on top, to stop things bubbling over. You can already see where this is going. Also, see the first tip regarding radiation shielding; in the event of a nuclear winter, having a few jars of pickles on hand could save your bacon. So to speak.
6. Speaker stands
Good sound is important. And you can’t get good sound if your speakers are sending bass vibrations into the surface they’re standing on, muddying up your low end and killing your vibe. Solution? A few big, heavy, solid books stacked underneath them. The books will absorb the low frequencies, isolating the speakers and ensuring that you hear everything the way you’re supposed to. Plus, bookshelves (stacked with heavy books, of course) are some of the best acoustic proofing there is, and they have the benefit of both looking extremely cool, and providing entertainment when Spotify doesn’t.
7. Anchor a very small boat
Who needs a big hunk of metal, taking up space on the bottom of your boat, where you could more profitably put a cooler box filled with beer and snacks? Just seal the book (or a few of them) in plastic, tie a rope to them, and toss them overboard when you’ve found the best spot to moor yourself. Important: keep one book with you, for entertainment. Also important: only works with a really small boat.
8. Shot-put replacement
Normally, we wouldn’t advocate hurling a book through the air, unless the author’s really relying on the old deus ex machina. But in this case, it can be surprisingly useful. As long as you tape the book closed - to stop the pages flapping and decrease air resistance, you understand - it will make a surprisingly effective replacement for a shot-put ball, and one that requires some interesting nuances in throwing technique. We may or may not have spent an evening practicing this, which may or may not have involved a case of beer.
9. Impromptu murder weapon
Roommate annoying you? Delivery guy dropped your package in a puddle again? Boss asked you to stay late on a Friday? Good news: help is at hand, in the form of a really heavy book you can bludgeon any and all of them to death with. Make sure to aim for either the forehead or the back of the skull, to maximise contrecoup and axonal sheer, and to ensure swift unconsciousness. Multiple blows may be required, and you will need to use the book’s spine as the leading edge. Oh, and this is very important: if you do actually murder someone after reading this article, you legally agree that we had nothing to do with it.
10. Reading matter
“Wait…hang on…you’re saying…you’re saying that one of the things you can do with a book is actually read it? Jesus, I thought you were going to tell me to turn it into a plant pot or use it to prop up a table or create some kind of weird room humidifier with it. You know, something useful. I dunno, man, reading it…that seems weird. I don’t trust it.”