30 Married Couples Reveal Why They Sleep In Separate Bedrooms

We're both 41, been married 23 years and sleep in different beds. First half of our marriage we always slept in the same bed (of course there was the occasional crying kid who wanted mommy to sleep with them, or falling asleep on the couch or somewhere else). About ten years ago I spent a year working a midnight shift so I started sleep on our spare bed in the basement.

We both realized we had much better sleep separate in our own beds. After I went back to a day shift we went back to sleeping in the same bed and soon realized sleeping apart was more restful. Over time we bought two full size beds and put them in our bedroom (like the old TV shows). It's been great.

edit: so a lot of comments about intimacy. Yeah we have sex, I'd say every bit as much as we ever did in the past. We've been married over half our life so we are really good at knowing when fun time is going to happen. Sometimes we sleep in the same bed, there is no rules we have to sleep separately all the time.

Our beds are about a foot apart and sometimes we slide them together, especially when the kids were younger and they'd end up in our room, along with the dog.

edit 2: Yes we got married at 18. We went to prom together and girlfriend somehow got pregnant after prom when we stopped for soda. So we got married.

LinuxIsTheBest_G

I have an aunt and uncle who do this. They're just hyper independent, mostly fueled by her, so they eat dinner together but do pretty much everything else separately.

The funny part is if I send out invites to something like a family reunion or dinner reservations during somewhere when we're already gathered, he'll say "I'm coming, but you'll need to check with your aunt for her answer".

It's certainly not how my relationship works, but they've been married for like 50 years so I guess I don't have any reason to criticize their methods.

devilized

Obviously I don’t know details but that sounds awesome. Like it’s just a permanent sleep over with your best friend. You’re your own person but still have that love and support of a spouse

Monkey-Swag

light sleeper with snoring husband

Married 15 years and i only sleep in another room when it's absolutely necessary. I am an incredibly light sleeper and my husband snores like you can't even imagine.

Every night I take Tylenol PM, wear earplugs, use a white-noise machine, have the tv and the bed vibration on, all to drown out the snoring. He feels terrible and has tried many things to minimize his snoring. He pulls off the c-pap in the middle of the night and doesn't even remember it; same with the mouthpieces that pull the jaw forward and no positioning of our adjustable bed reduces his snoring.

We love each other very much and spend most nights spooned up. He falls asleep quickly and i eventually fall asleep most nights. Sometimes, i just can't freaking do it; I'll poke him with my toe, cough, say one of our dog"s names like I'm shushing them, anything to get him to shut the eff up for 20 seconds.

Those are the nights i usually give up and go to the spare bedroom at like 2am. I do that because i start to get angry and resentful and then i hate myself at work the next day, for the thoughts i had when i couldn't sleep. My trouble falling asleep and light sleeping is as much the blame as his snoring but i sure don't see it that way at midnight on a workday.

high5nmf

My husband and slept in separate rooms for many years, as I snored to an alarming degree. I tried for many years to get doctors to let me have a sleep apnea test, but many simply rejected the idea and said I snored cause I was fat. They discarded the fact that 2 of my immediate family members also suffered from it.

When I finally did get a test, the (older male) doctor told me I didn't have it and that I should just lose weight.

For 2 more years I suffered, until on an unrelated visit to the same ENT office, the (female) doctor who came out to call me in to my consultation, noticed I was falling asleep in the waiting room. She ordered a new sleep apnea test for me and it revealed that not only did I have it, but it was 'severe' (I would stop breathing on average of 78 times per hour during my sleep).

She also looked back at the record of the test from 2 years earlier and saw that the results then showed that I clearly had sleep apnea, and she was shocked that I wasn't told this, and immediately put forward for treatment. I was very quickly put onto CPAP therapy, and since then, my husband and I have been able to sleep in the same room again - albeit with me looking like Bane.

Once in a while, if one of us is sick, and night time coughing etc could keep the other awake, then we might sleep separately again, but for the most part we get to snuggle again, 'cause now I can breathe.

lillalilly

My parents slept in separate beds as did my great grandparents. For my great grandparents it was a comfort thing. Grandma didn’t like not being able to move around the bed at will. She and grandpa loved each other dearly and she passed not long after he did because she missed him so much.

For my parents it was a couple things. As my dad aged his sleep cycle went weird. He would be able to sleep a couple hours and then be up half the night and fall asleep again about the time my mom was getting up for work. Also my mom has sleep apnea and uses a cpap. It made hella noise back then. Dad was half deaf and the sound still bothered him. Out of respect for each other they decided it was better to have separate bedrooms.

WyoGirl79

During the Summer I move to another room we call “the wind tunnel”. Basically I have a ceiling fan going almost 24/7 and a window fan above the bed I run from 7pm-8am.

She has allergies and easily gets runny nose and sneezes from any moving air. My body temp will skyrocket and I’ll sweat like crazy in a room devoid of moving air. So she sleeps in a stuffy no air movement master bedroom and I sleep soundly in the Wind Tunnel.

During the winter I move back, cause then I become the ultimate body warmer for her.

Spiffywerks

Lol. I do this. I am an absolute terrible person to share a bed with. I snore like a passing semi truck and apparently (I'm told) flail wildly in my sleep. When we first got married I kept waking up to an empty bed. She would join me for an hour until I was asleep, then retreat to the couch. After a week or two I got fed up and just went to the couch first. Then started several months of us trading off for the couch. Eventually I just went and bought a twin mattress and tossed it in the office. That became my bed. And when we got a bigger house, I just setup in a separate room.

pineapplesarepeoplet

We blended two households. His bedroom was fully furnished and the furniture and closet were full. It made sense for my stuff to go in a different bedroom. We started out sleeping in one room or the other but I realized pretty quickly that, if I ever wanted to get a full night’s sleep, it wasn’t going to be in the same bed with him. I’ve been known to call him a sweating, snoring, slant sleeping sonofabitch after a night of his sweating, snoring, and slant sleeping. We do a “your place or mine” thing for nonsleeping activities but gtfo when it’s sleepy time.

Virgowitch

my wife has MS - one of the primary issues she has is vertigo. when i'm in the bed with her, the motion of my breathing/heartbeat/movement really fucks with her vertigo while she sleeps.

also, i snore, so an isolated coil mattress wouldn't quite do it(they aren't total isolation, either, you feel movement) or two beds in one room.

also, honestly, it spices up the sex life. adds an element of pursuit and some illicit atmosphere to it, we're sneaking around the house to each other's beds to bang.

buttery_shame_cave

Wife started co-sleeping with our first kid. I wasn't having it, we both agreed we wouldn't do it, then she started it anyway. So I left the bed to make more space. That was a little over 3 years ago.

They still co sleep, or else my 3 year old will wake up and it's a whole ordeal. It doesn't seem to help the relationship, but it doesn't really seem to hurt it either.

We're not in different rooms because we're mad at eaachother or being petty, but it does sometimes make it feel kinda lonely in my own house and it makes me have some amount of discontent toward the kid for influencing it daily.

gravypig

My step mothers parents took this to a new level.

He built a second house next door. They lived next to each other for 20 years before they both passed in a short amount of time.

It seemed very odd to me, but it worked for them. At least from an outside perspective. I know images never reflect reality.

Barfhelmet

i would totally do this. I LOVE my spouse. but i dont NEED to be unconscious in the same room as him. Its seems like such an arbitrary measure of a relationship to me, the whole "do you live/sleep together" thing.

For us, our love language is sports and travel. We love travelling together and getting outside. Eating and sleeping together is just something we do because...well, the other is just there. Not priorities for us.

I should also mention that we work together too.

Affectionate_Copy

To stay married.

I would say seriously, but I am serious.

Other reasons:

1.She's an only child, never had to share

2.I had a large family, don't want to share anymore

3.She likes a SOFT mattress, and I like a firm one

4.We both snore, but at different points in the night

5.Night farts(not going to assign blame, there's plenty enough to go around)

6.Her cats don't like to share a bed with my dog

I could go on, but these are the highlights

6 is like my main reason for wanting my own bedroom. My cat doesn't sleep with me anymore since my boyfriend and his dog moved in. They take up the whole bed and I miss my cat.

alyymarie

We sleep in separate rooms to stay married, but for different reasons.

A few years ago my husband did something incredibly stupid. I don't really want to go into details, but it jeopardized our marriage and we're never going to financially recover from it. I couldn't stand to look at him, and something as intimate as sharing a bed was right out. Having my own space was honestly the only thing that kept us together.

Our marriage is in a better place now, but I've learned to prefer sleeping alone. He snores, he kicks if you come to bed after him, we like different temperatures, different noise levels, different blankets, different mattresses... It's just easier this way.

franticlittlefingers

Not different rooms, but I sleep on the floor. We bought a Casper mattress, and I slept on it with him for almost a year, waking up everyday in a little bit more pain than the day before. I slept on the floor, by choice, until I was around 16. I woke up one morning about 6 months ago with my back hurting so bad that ibuprofen couldn't touch, so I slept on the floor that night, and have been every night since. The mattress is too soft. My fiance and my black lab sleep well enough on it, and I don't wake up feeling like shit. It works for us.

Ellie666

My friend married a Japanese man, and they bought super-expensive adjustable orthopaedic bed... he ended up sleeping on the floor, because it was more comfortable for him, and apparently he was used to it and couldn't get used to the bed.

alteredxenon

My partner and I have completely separate bedrooms. We “sleepover” occasionally in each other’s rooms. However, we both find we sleep exponentially better apart. He’s a night owl and I’m an early bird. He needs total darkness, I want to wake up with the sun. He wants one sheet and one sheet only on him, I want 10 lbs of blankets. In addition, having a separate room allows me to decorate it however I want, have my own personal space, and keep it to the level of cleanliness I prefer. It makes me feel independent. People look at us sideways when I mention the separate rooms thing, but it’s been a game changer.

eriasana

I’m kinda realizing that I want this. I’m not patient but I love to cuddle and keep my space clean. I do need complete darkness to sleep and my current boyfriend plays on his pc until early— so I’m thinking that maybe separate rooms is the way to go!

diffharmony

I do the exact same! I’m currently rocking Harry Potter sheets on my bed. I have such a fun girly room, I’ve also hung and framed all my art work in here. I love my room

Ultimatelee

My husband sleep talks and flails around. He does this at least once a night, but can be up to 4 times a night. These episodes sometimes are just a bit of tossing and turning, but sometimes are him getting out of bed and demanding nonsense from me. Well now that we have babies who are getting me up every 2 hours, I CAN'T deal with him waking me up as well.

Also because his nights are so disruptive, he sleeps like crap, so if a baby is also waking him up every 2 hours, he gets zero sleep. His drive to work is long, so it's just best for everyone if he sleeps in another room. Maybe once the baby is sleeping through the night we'll try sleeping in the same bed again, but until then this is what works.

luckyloolil

We're incredibly different sleepers. I sleep with the TV on, as I need some kind of light and noise, and he likes it completely dark and quiet, except for a fan. I snore, and am prone to writhing around the bed and waking up in strange positions, and he doesn't really want to get hit in the face by my foot in the middle of the night.

We've slept separately for almost 10 years, and other than deciding not to have kids, it's probably the best decision we've made as a couple. Our marriage is incredibly strong, and I love being around him and being with him, but it's so nice to be able to sleep on my own terms, and by that I mean bury myself under too many blankets and watch horror movies on TV until 3 AM when I fall asleep with the remote in my hand.

JerseyMouth

My buddy is basically married and they have this arrangement. Basically they say they aren't one person just because they're dating. They don't want to be the couple who merges into one entity. They are two seperate adults and adults have their own rooms.

They're two of the most capable and competent people I've ever met in my life. They have their shit figured out. They are the reason I no longer view two seperate rooms as a sign of a dysfunctional relationship. If anything they make me think most relationships would benefit from their "let's not do literally everything together" mentality.

PubesOfOurFathers

When my now husband (of ten years) first moved in with me (when we were dating) I'd just bought a three bedroom house. We decided to have our own bedrooms. More like roommates who were dating than like... two people taking the next step.

We low key loved that set up. I had a king sized bed and he could "have a sleepover" but he also worked weird shifts and had his own bed and I had mine and we had our own spaces. It was so nice.

Then we got married. And I got pregnant. And it became convenient to just move him into my bedroom. So we became traditional married sleepers.

People kind of thought what we did was weird but it was the best arrangement ever. Something was so satisfying about being together and sharing a house but still having our own private places, too. I realize now, the kids have that with their bedrooms but we really don't. I mean, we are fine and things are great... but there is something special about having a room that is only yours. Married people having to share is kind of strange really, if you think about it.

ustywench99

After serving in the war in Afghanistan, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I have night terrors about the battle fields, and would wake my wife up by either tossing and turning violently or on the rare occasion screaming. She hasn’t been getting much sleep because of it, so for about 4 months now I’ve been sleeping on the couch.

She doesn’t want me to but I feel like it’s better for us right now until I can sort myself out. I’m seeing a therapist and take medication, so I just have to try harder until I’m able to hold her while she sleeps again. We’ll get through it. I know we will.

illgrabtheboat

Lots and lots of reasons.

He keeps a night schedule; I have to wake up at five am two days a week and I tend to roll heavily a fair bit; he’s a light sleeper.

He likes to sleep without physical contact because he gets hot; I chase him for cuddles in my sleep. He likes light/ no blankets; I like heavy, thick ones and tend to throw them over him in my sleep.

That makes him feel a.) overheated and b.) trapped which exacerbated his regular nightmares.

He likes to watch TV as he falls asleep and while he’s asleep; the TV is in the living room.

Our living room “couch” is a spare full bed with lots of pillows, so it’s comfy and he tends to fall asleep there for the night while watching real crime shows; the narrator always has a very deep voice that’s meant to sound scary but is just soothing.

Mikkabear

Not married on paper. we were both single parents who both lived alone for a long time before we began dating. we have different nighttime routines that neither of us were really willing to compromise on. plus we both have different ideas of how a bedroom should be set up aesthetically. I like my solitude and space and quiet, and I sleep better alone.

also should mention - my ten year old daughter is special needs and needs attention throughout the night so I'm constantly up and down. she is on the main level of our house, and originally I was upstairs with him. I was getting up and crawling into bed with her in the middle of the night, every night.

eventually I kind of lost my shit and broke up with my guy because I didn't feel able to balance her needs, my needs, and his needs. I couldn't move out so I moved in to the guest room, right next door to my daughter, and I was really happy to create a space that was "mine." we decided to work things out but I stayed in my room and we visit each other in our respective spaces.

obvs it's very unconventional but it works great for our situation.

jenniuspennius

It started out with normal "Oh I'll sleep in the guest room tonight" because of the snoring and the bed was too small... Turns out I still love having my own room. I like having my vanity, my own bookshelves, and all my clothes not competing for room.

It sounds selfish, but he doesn't have to worry about tossing and turning and snoring either, which always made him feel bad. Having our own rooms is like having personal sanctuaries where we can go. There's never any awkward fights over who should leave a shared bedroom during a fight. I don't think its better or worse than sharing a bedroom - its just different and works for us!

betteroffsleeping

When I was very young, my mother started sleeping on the couch every night. I remember asking her why and she gave excuses like her back hurt in their bed and the couch was more comfy, or my dad's books were always scattered across her side of the bed and she didn't want to clean them up all the time (Dad was an avid reader; he had stacks of books as tall as the bed that were surrounding his half of the bed).

This went on for a couple decades. Mom never got a proper bed of her own, just invested in high-quality couches for our living room and chose to sleep there every night.

Then one day, years after I'd grown and moved out of the house, my parents announced a divorce. Which shocked me because I had never known any discontent between them. I asked my mother what happened and she said that she fell out of love with my dad after my sister was born, but she didn't want the two of us kids growing up in a broken home, so they agreed to live together until we had both moved out of the house. My parents were still the best of friends, just not lovers. So it was awkward for them to be sharing a bed together.

My mother now lives on the opposite side of the country from the rest of us, on land she inherited from her mother. She built a cabin in the woods and is now happily living on her own. She has friends where she lives, but claims she doesn't need a relationship anymore.

cobysev

My parents and grandparents do this. My parents because of a variety of reasons including marital strain and my dad's PTSD from the military messing with his sleep something fierce; my grandparents because of marital strain, weird and non-complimentary work schedules, and my grandma's quickly reaching the point where it's hard for her to walk up the stairs to the master bedroom anyway

My last boss and his wife do this. They're very happily married, he just has severe leg issues that have him tossing and turning in bed a ton in an attempt to get less uncomfortable, and they quickly realized that if either of them wanted any degree of quality sleep they'd need to have separate beds.

TheK1ngsW1t

I like to sleep in the middle of the queen bed and he prefers the couch. We still sleep in the same bed from time to time but usually I end up waking him up and asking him to move so I can stretch out.

We also have a bit of a weird set up because I have stage 4 breast cancer. I tend to sleep a lot and at random times. Which meant being hidden away from my family for long periods of time, so to counter this we brought my queen bed into the livingroom. I sleep in the bed and he on the couch across from me. This allows for us to be together but comfortable and it also allows for our kids to spend time with me even if I am sleeping or resting. They love being able to play on the bed or cuddle and watch tv and think it is great.

We know it is weird and makes people uncomfortable who are not use to seeing this but we don't care it is what works for us :)

metastatic_mindy

Here goes:

1. He gets night terrors in the bed but not on the couch.
2. He prefers to sleep in a lit room and generally plays video games time 2 or 3, I prefer a dark quiet room.
3. He runs SUPER hot, I like to sleep bundled up.
4. He snores really bad.

He started sleeping in the living room and it's much more restful for us both. He'll sleep in the bed every once in a while but there's a 50/50 shot he'll wake up in the morning in a TERRIBLE head space.
I miss him in bed but all the animals sleep with me when he's not there. Plus I don't have to be worried about him flailing in his sleep and elbowing or punching me on accident. We are working on 1 and 4. But honestly when we have a bigger place we will probably just have separate beds.

Sarmow

We never used to. We always slept together side by side, regardless of the fact that we had different shifts of work. She slept hard. Not easy to wake.

And I sleep light, but whenever she'd get up for work, I wouldn't mind getting up with her. I would have slept enough hours to be good for the day. I got up with her to kiss her bye and see her on her way to work. But then, personal issues came up with me. Time went by. About 8 months. We fell out of love with each other. We tried to make it work, thinking it was just temporary.

Well...Fast forward about a year or so...and we started sleeping separately. We did it to start separating ourselves from each other, emotionally, and so that it would be a lot easier to handle the separation and the emotions for when we knew that the divorce would be final. We started sleeping by ourselves to get used to how it would be after we split. And the process of the divorce went smoothly and that was that.

She found love again, I believe, and I'm here focusing on myself. And it would not have been as easy if we wouldn't have started sleeping in different beds. And the thing is--we didn't talk about sleeping separately. It just kind of... happened. Like, subconsciously. Almost as if we knew this is what needed to be done.

Sorry about the many details. I just felt some backstory would have put my answer into context :)

scarred

Not married, hope that's not a requirement.

Boyfriend snores, no apnea. Tried the breath right strips and they worked, but they gave him horrible bruises on his nose. Not fault of the product, his skin is very sensitive and he bruises easy.

We start in the same bed and I end up in other bed at some point of the night. He usually falls asleep before me so he doesnt notice, he just remembers falling asleep in the same bed. If I do fall asleep first i will usually wake up from the snoring and move to the other bed. I have to get up two hours before him for work anyway so he also isnt disturbed by my alarm. I go and kiss him goodbye and it's fine.

It actually works out fine. It's like when couples fall asleep intertwined and move apart through the night to their own side of the bed. Weekends we do sleep the whole night together because I'm usually too tired to be woken up from the snoring.

And we have different preferences in the bed, he likes soft and I like firm. Id rather sleep on the floor than a soft memory foam mattress.

We talk about things that bother us and check in every now and again with things like this. Communication is key.

caiijenn6

This is a conversation we seem to have with every single guest who comes over for the first time lol- “woahhh you guys sleep in separate bedrooms??? Y’all just got married!”

It started out because we had different sleeping cycles and different desires temperatures- add to that I have chronic back issues so I need to lie in weird positions- but the biggest reason now?

My wife and I take each other out on dates, and once in a while we’ll have “sleepovers”. It’s silly because we’re married, live together, and see each other all the time- but it gives us those first-crush butterflies to “sleepover” when it’s not a daily thing. It’s nice to feel infatuated with my wife once in a while in that kind of way. Sounds weird but it works for us lol

hazypandapupu