What Love Type Are You? (For Women Only!)

A person of the Secure love type is self-confident, empathetic, and cares about the feelings of others. Having been brought up with responsive parents and feeling safe in relying on others for comfort and care, Secures have confidence that they can be themselves and disclose their own inner thoughts and feelings to those close to them without fear of rejection—and when they are rejected by someone unfamiliar, know that they are worthwhile and not feel much hurt by others’ moods and negative feelings. Confident of their worth, they can roam the emotional world freely and assist others with their strength and empathy; lacking the fears and preoccupations of the other types, they can communicate honestly, empathize completely, and love unconditionally.

It is the ability to “see” into the feelings of others that separates the secure type most from the others. A quiet, calm confidence allows the secure person to attune themselves to others, making them better parents, partners, friends, and employees. And the ability to freely express both positive and negative feelings enhances their relationships. This is the skill called emotional intelligence.

The benefits of the secure style accumulate over a lifetime. Secure children are more liked and have more friends than others, and tend to have happier family lives. Secures find partners and friends more easily, form attachment bonds more readily, and tend to have longer and happier marriages.

In working with others, Secures use their ability to reflect on their own (and others’) inner emotional states to more effectively communicate. Their emotional intelligence lets them work in teams, understand the emotional messages sent by others and respond appropriately, both verbally and nonverbally—others understand their feelings better and have a greater sense they can be relied on. Thus, on the whole, Secures are more successful in a group work environment. Secures also have higher incomes, on average.

In dating a Secure puts her cards on the table, and will show interest if interested, or decline to go forward if not. Secure people don’t withhold or manipulate to get what they want—they tell you what they want, and offer what they have to give freely once a relationship is underway. A Secure wants you integrated into her life—she wants her friends and family to be your friends and family, if possible. A Secure does not try to keep you from knowing them, or live a compartmentalized life where you are not welcome in some settings, like work or family. When there is conflict in goals or plans, the Secure will make an effort to understand your point of view and find a compromise that satisfies you both. A Secure does not put up barriers or constantly talk of “boundaries”—if you press on him too hard, the Secure will let you know your error, but not hold it against you. A Secure can speak freely about her feelings and memories, and explain how she feels or felt so you can understand it, and she values your understanding of who she is and how she got to be that way. Secure people tend to show anger in a relationship more easily, but quickly recover their calm and don’t hold grudges—someone who is honestly angry at you for a good reason is communicating their distress in a healthy way, when a less secure type might suppress it and add to a secret store of resentments you will never be told about directly.

Roughly half of the population is secure, but since Secures are more successful at getting into and maintaining happy relationships, Secures are less and less available in older dating pools.

From Jeb Kinnison: I wrote this book to explain how good relationships work to younger people. Understanding the basics of attachment types will save you from wasting time and suffering heartache with the wrong partner, and it’s very important that this information get out to the world. Please help by posting your results to your Facebook wall or Twitter to spread the word and help your friends, and please do buy and read the book. Help me help others find good partners! Click here for the book: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00IW6JYV0

Psychologists speak of the Anxious-Preoccupied type (who we will call the Anxious.) They are the third-largest love type, at about 20% of the population. Because they never got enough love as children, they crave intimacy but tend to feel doubtful about their own worth, making it harder for them to trust that they are loved and cared for. At their worst they are viewed as “needy” or “clingy,” and can drive others away by their demands for attention.

The anxious-preoccupied find it hard to venture away from their partners or loved ones to accomplish goals. The classic clingy child or parent or partner is acting out their anxiety about abandonment. But they are deeply motivated to love.

For an anxious person, the key to finding a good partner is to avoid dismissives and other anxious people who will never make them feel secure. A Secure partner can help an anxious person become more secure with time, improving their sense of assurance in life in general and allowing them to achieve their other goals.

From Jeb Kinnison: I wrote this book to explain how good relationships work to younger people. Understanding the basics of attachment types will save you from wasting time and suffering heartache with the wrong partner, and it’s very important that this information get out to the world. Please help by posting your results to your Facebook wall or Twitter to spread the word and help your friends, and please do buy and read the book. Help me help others find good partners! Click here for the book: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00IW6JYV0

The Dismissive type (called dismissive-avoidant by psychologists) has a subconscious fear that others are not reliable and intimacy is a dangerous thing. Dismissive individuals have completed a mental transformation that says: “I am good, I don’t need others, and they aren’t really important to me. I am fine as I am.” The Dismissive has dealt with her fear of unreliable others by deciding she doesn’t need others much at all, and so has less motivation to participate in the emotional signaling of a close relationship.

Dismissives think highly of themselves and will tell you they value their self-sufficiency and independence—needing others is weak, feelings of attachment are strings that hold you down, empathy and sympathy are for lesser creatures.

Because of their ability to focus on work and act independently, dismissives can be phenomenal explorers and individual contributors. In fields where performance is not based on group efforts, and a lack of concern for others’ feelings can actually be beneficial, the dismissive can be a star player—for example, in some types of litigation, or some scientific fields.

It’s difficult for Dismissives to relax and trust another person enough to be in a good relationship. Being aware of their tendencies to distance those close to them and the damage that it does can help the Dismissive reform, and partnership with a Secure (who is able to leave them alone when they don’t want closeness) can help a Dismissive lower their walls.

From Jeb Kinnison: I wrote this book to explain how good relationships work to younger people. Understanding the basics of attachment types will save you from wasting time and suffering heartache with the wrong partner, and it’s very important that this information get out to the world. Please help by posting your results to your Facebook wall or Twitter to spread the word and help your friends, and please do buy and read the book. Help me help others find good partners! Click here for the book: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00IW6JYV0

The Fearful-avoidant type share an underlying distrust of caregiving others with the dismissive, but have not developed the armor of high self-esteem to allow them to do without intimacy; they realize the need for and want intimacy, but when they are in a relationship that starts to get close, their fear and mistrust surfaces and they run away. In psychology this is called an approach-avoidance conflict; at a distance the sufferer wants to get closer, but when she does, the fear kicks in and she wants to withdraw. This leads to a pattern of circling or cycling, and the fearful-avoidant can often be found in a series of short relationships ended by their finding fault with a partner who seems more threatening as the partner gets closer.

Like the Dismissive, a Fearful-Avoidant type is more likely to relax and allow someone to stay close to them when the partner is a Secure type. Understanding their approach-avoidance tendency can help the fearful-avoidant reduce their cycles and stick with one partner, especially if that partner is also aware of the problem.

From Jeb Kinnison: I wrote this book to explain how good relationships work to younger people. Understanding the basics of attachment types will save you from wasting time and suffering heartache with the wrong partner, and it’s very important that this information get out to the world. Please help by posting your results to your Facebook wall or Twitter to spread the word and help your friends, and please do buy and read the book. Help me help others find good partners! Click here for the book: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00IW6JYV0